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Freedom from Verbal Abuse

Mar 15, 2012
Cover of "The Verbally Abusive Relationsh...

Cover via Amazon

Freedom from Verbal Abuse

If I were King, I would make it a hate crime for verbal abuse to exist. It is wicked to break someone down mentally. Verbal abuse can be as destructive and harmful as physical abuse, the only difference being verbal abuse leaves no physical scars. On second thought, if we listen to ancient wisdom, words have the power to create life and death. Verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse.

Many relationships seem wonderful and perfect at the beginning but some relationships do turn into manipulative, humiliating and intimidating connections.
Let’s follow the progression from normal disagreement to abuse: In a normal relationship there are moments where one or both partners are uncomfortable. These are not necessarily bad. It could be a time of growth, something new to explore. But, if the discomfort is ignored, dismissed or shamed, the tension between the two progresses into veiled anger, sarcasm and verbal jabs. If this tension is ignored, and contempt settles in the relationship progresses to become verbally abusive.

There are usually some stages that a verbally abusive relationship manifests. In the beginning, your partner may become detached, preoccupied and a little too critical. For a while, they may even apologize. During this early stage, the abuser accuses the victim for his or her failures and also criticizes petty things about the victim. The abuser blames the partner for even provoking them so much they lose their composure. The conversations, if you can call them that, are loaded with sarcasm, put downs, and jokes at the partner’s expense. The abuser is being filled with unforgiveness, bitterness and rage. If contempt sets in, the relationship is usually lost.

This is when the abuse begins. Abuse is characterized by massive fights during which a lot of threats and hurtful words are said. It is at this stage that the abuse can sometimes even turn physical. Being an abusive person usually results from a dysfunctional childhood, where anger management obviously wasn’t on the agenda. Finally, once the abuse is done, the abuser gets apologetic and does everything in his or her power to set things right again, until the entire cycle begins all over again.

Breaking this cycle is the key to changing the nature of your relationship. This can be attained by increasing your awareness of signs of verbal abuse and being assertive and not allowing the abuser to manipulate and dominate you. Sometimes couples who cannot do these reparations by themselves seek external help from therapists, who can improve communication and understanding between partners.

If the contempt and disgust isn’t too far progressed, the relationship can be salvaged. If it has been unattended to for too long a time, it is usually too far gone. Get help before it is too late.

On Being Sensual

Mar 11, 2012

Kate_Bush_-_The_Sensual_World_(album)What does it mean to be a sensual Being? To be sensual means to be Awake, to be Present.

We allow ourselves to be aroused by things of allurement, delight and grace. We can go forward to explore our lives and loves with a sensuousness attuned to all of the gifts of our senses. To be sensual is to be aware of and appreciate that we live in a world full of passion and ecstasy just waiting to be discovered.  Our senses can be stimulated in so many beautiful ways!  We can enter the world of poets, song writers, artists, and dreamers.

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My additional thoughts:

To be a sensual person is to be an alive person. Sensuality in it’s purest form is to have all of your senses come alive. To slow down enough to really feel the breeze, the warmth of the sun, the scent of the outdoors, or the scent of a woman. To open up our senses is to open our eyes to the colors of the sky, the color of the eyes right in front of us. To be fully awake sensually is to touch the world as if we’d never been alive before this moment.

No one can permanently live there, so we sensualists, take a few minutes whenever we can to hyper-dial in our senses, our attunement to the world around us. Often when we do, we come face to face with someone quite lovely, and a romance begins.

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You can read more of Kathleen’s writings at: http://roadtofreedom.us/

Model: Macarena Palomo R.

Image via Wikipedia

Body Language: Approaching Your Man

Mar 10, 2012

Oprah had an article on how women could approach their men. It is a good article, but one of the comments below was even more interesting.

………from Oprah online

Hey! Hey! Hey! I am a real man and I have to put my 2 cents in here. When women talk about how to connect with the men in their life; there are few things to look at: If we are talking about men in a spousal role, at the onset of the relationship, women have to make sure that the men are compatible in every way; I say this because to me love is good in a relationship but communication is greater. Why would you want to live the rest of your life with someone who cannot hold a conversation? Remember the first time you met, he called you ten times a day, invited you to every arena and listened attentively to all you had to say, and you couldn’t shot him up. You have to keep that fire burning all the time; but generally you forget along the way and you changed the routine or you allow life occurrences to dictate new routines for your life; then boom it hits you in between the eyes—No more going with him to the arena, no more healthy conversation, no more talking on the phone for hours, no more spontaneous outings. Now everyday becomes a struggle in and out of your home. Instead of taking a step back to revisit where everything started the nosedive; you only find faults with each other. The fault in my book is 50/50 for both of you because you both forgot to feed the source of your initial conversation which brought you closer together at the beginning. Remember, once you said I do, you cannot turn around and try to change Mr. Silent to Mr. talkative. As for other men in your life; be it a dad, a brother or an uncle it is same antidote; the type of your relationship at the onset with any of these men will always remain same; as long as you continue to feed the source. Women are mostly drawn to their fathers and men to their mothers. If there is a health relationship and flow of conversation from the start, it always continues. You have to continue doing all the things that gives him pleasure to communicate. And forget to pay attention to the details.

………….my comment:

Tsoul1007 is right on. It is useless to fix blame on one another. Blame only serves to isolate your partner. That said, the suggestions in the article are great, this is a great article. Approaching men from the side is brilliant! AND… did you know, approaching women almost straight on is appropriate for them. Women feel safer when they can see who’s approaching and assess what their motives are. Approach women from just off center. If you approach women from the side, like you would a man, women get jumpy. Their primitive warning signals go off and they worry about their safety. If you do approach a woman from the side or behind, announce yourself and tell her what your reasons are for approaching her this way. It shows respect for a woman.

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Read more at:  http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Connect-with-Men-Have-a-Conversation-with-the-Men-in-Your-Life

The New Infidelity

Mar 03, 2012
couple at nargile lounge

Image by j.o.h.n. walker via Flickr

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The New Infidelity

In today’s culture, infidelity does not have to be sexual. Examples surround us – work-a-holics, emotional & internet affairs, gambling, spending the family into bankruptcy are some forms of infidelity, alcoholism and drug abuse are still rampant in America.

Anything that commands more of your devotion and attention than your intimate other, anything that pulls precious resources away from the family can now be considered to be infidelity.

No one wakes up one morning and decides to have an affair. Rarely a sudden act of impulsivity, affairs usually begin as a slow compromise of values. Infidelity is usually a slow leak, rather than a sudden blow out.

When only 13% of affairs are by first-timers, it makes us aware that 87% of those having affairs will have more. Truly, hurt people, hurt people.

Infidelity plays for keeps.

A little infidelity is like being “sorta pregnant.” The fallout of infidelity is more severe – divorce, bankruptcy, custody battles, accusations, broken hearts, lost faith, suicide – infidelity plays for keeps.

Sure, some couples do survive infidelity, divorce is not a given. Those who don’t get professional help usually limp along half committed. Those who get professional help become grateful, and become good for each other. At the Aspen Center we have a constant stream of couples we have helped. Join the community of couples restoring romance, rekindling desire, rebuilding homes.

Natural Cures for Anxiety

Mar 01, 2012
Noor Vitamins

Noor Vitamins (Photo credit: AslanMedia)

My new friend Ryan Rivera has researched natural cures for anxiety. If any of you can vouch for what he says, or are willing to try his suggestions and let me know, we would all appreciate your comments.

-Dr. Jones

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7 Bizarre Anxiety Home Cures That Really Work

Anxiety is a debilitating condition; it can start off as a general vague feeling of uneasiness and can soon manifest with physical symptoms such as shallow breathing, restlessness and uncontrollable panic.

Take a moment and check if you suffer from any of the following:
Do you often feel excessively worried or anxious?
Is your worry getting out of control?
Do you feel a vague sense of uneasiness?
Do you often feel overwhelmed and find it difficult to deal with everyday life?
Do you have trouble concentrating?
Do you get tired easily?
Is your sleep disturbed?

If you suffer from more than two of the above then you are facing symptoms of anxiety. Many people will go to the emergency room, believing that they must get immediate medical attention for their condition. After the diagnosis of anxiety disorder is made, they start taking medication to overcome anxiety.
But it doesn’t always have to be like that.

There are powerful and effective home cures available for anxiety.  Below is a list of the 7 Bizarre Anxiety Home Cures That Really Work:

1)     Herbal teas:

Many herbal teas contain substances that act as potential anxiety busters. The most commonly known herbs for anxiety reduction include: Chamomile, Green Tea, Cloves, Lavender, Orange blossoms, Thyme, Kava

Kava tea:

Kava can be used in any form: natural kava powder, kava pills, kava tinctures, kava extracts, etc. It is widely used for the relief of anxiety and stress.
Kava also helps in relaxing the muscles and promoting a good sleep.

Kava tea is popular for its anxiety reducing qualities. Kava is an ancient plant, belonging to the pepper family, normally grown in Indonesia and the Asian islands.
The tea extract is derived from its root or stump or Kava plant.

Kava can be consumed like any herbal tea.

When using kava do not get startled by the tingling feeling it gives the mouth and tongue, this is completely normal.

Valerian:

In a recent study published on Pub Med , valerian herb has been proven for its anxiolytic calming properties.

Valerian root is a dietary supplement used historically in the treatment of sleep, stress and anxiety problems.  It also helps in relieving headache and digestive problems.

Valerian is a plant native to Europe and Asia. Valerian is available in the form of pills and herbal tea and can be ordered online.

Chamomile:

Chamomile has been known its calming properties, it is available in the form of chamomile oil, teas and pills. Chamomile is a native European plant. It also relieves gastric ailments such as colic and dyspepsia. It helps in sleep and acts  as a mild herbal tranquilizer.

Other popular anxiety relief agents include: Passion flower, Hops, Catnip, Rhodiola Rosae, St. John’s Wort and Ginkgo Biloba.

2)     Vitamins:

Vitamin B complex deficiency can cause anxiety, taking vitamin B supplements regularly is helpful even if you don’t suffer from a deficiency.

The three most important vitamins related to anxiety are Vitamin B6, B12 and B3.
Vitamin B6 helps in promoting muscle function, maintaining alertness, it provides nourishment to the skin and hair. Deficiency of Vitamin B6 can cause irritability and anxiety.

B12 is another important vitamin that can really help in reducing anxiety and stress. Vitamin B12 is involved in a number of key body processes, but is especially key to red blood cell production, nervous system function, sperm production, normal growth and the proper function of the immune system.

It has also been shown to improve memory and concentration.

Deficiency of Vitamin B12 can cause, depression, anxiety, anemia, exhaustion and neurological problems.

Supplementation of 50 to 2000 mcg per day has been shown to be safe, although most commonly, doses are from 10-100 mcg per day, with vegetarians requiring more than nonvegetarians.

Another member of the vitamin B family (B3 specifically) Niacinamide is also known to work wonders in reducing anxiety.

Vitamin B3, helps in releasing energy from carbohydrates, fats and proteins, it helps in reducing bad cholesterol from blood,  it is necessary for healthy skin, nerves and digestive system.

It is also known to promote good sleep.

The necessary doses of B vitamins and other minerals are available in the form of multivitamin – multimineral tablets and can be obtained over the counter at a regular medical store.

3)     Omega 3 fatty acids:

Omega 3 fatty acids also act as wonderful mood balancers, and can greatly reduce anxiety. Research shows strong evidence that the omega-3s EPA and DHA can boost heart health and lower triglycerides.

There are several types of omega-3 fatty acids. Two crucial ones — EPA and DHA — are primarily found in certain fish. Algae oil often provides only DHA. Some plants act as a source for omega 3s known as ALA.

Experts say that DHA and EPA — from fish and fish oil — have better established health benefits than ALA.

They have further been noted to help improve concentration and focus in people with ADHD and autism. Researchers have found that cultures which eat foods with high levels of omega-3s have lower levels of depression. Fish oil also seems to boost the effects of antidepressants. Fish oil may help reduce the depressive symptoms of bipolar disorder.

Fish high in DHA and EPA omega-3 fatty acids include anchovies, bluefish, herring, mackerel, salmon , sardines, sturgeon, lake trout, and tuna. Many experts recommend eating these fish two to three times a week.
If you decide to use a supplement, your best bet is fish oil, which has the omega-3 fatty acids.

Cod liver oil is a nutritional supplement derived from liver of cod fish. It has high levels of the omega-3 fatty acids, EPA and DHA, and very high levels of vitamin A and vitamin D.

4)     Ginger:

Ginger tea has plenty of scientifically proven health benefits. It is a remedy for nausea, diarrhea, and anxiety.

At least one study proved ginger to be effective at reducing anxiety.

The mechanism of action of ginger is not yet fully understood but many people report decrease in anxiety levels after consuming ginger tea.

Ginger can be consumed in the form of ginger tea, ginger bread, some vocal artists even consume raw ginger early in the morning since it helps soothe their voice besides reducing anxiety.

5)     Ayurvedic bath:

Ayurvedic bath is the secret of health and wellness spas. This is easy to prepare and has a good relaxing effect on the body.

Preparation: 1/3 cup ginger, 1/3 cup baking soda

Add to a tubful of water and soak for 10 – 15 minutes and relax. This relaxing bath pacifies your anxiety and makes you feel calm.

6)      Almond milk:

Almond milk is another home remedy known for its anxiolytic properties.

Preparation: A cup of milk, 10 raw almonds, ginger, nutmeg, saffron

Soak 10 raw almonds in water for a night and peel off skin before blending with milk. Best to use a blender. Whilst blending, add pinches of nutmeg, saffron and ginger.

7) Aromatherapy

Aromatherapy is known to be very effective in reducing anxiety naturally. Orange peel and mint have a very calming effect on the nervous system. Other popular aromas include vanilla, lavendar, rose, sandlewood and chamomile.

These scents are available in different forms in most malls and supermarkets. You can purchase aroma scents and candles made from these scents , you can also purchase oil diffusers and scents that with them. Regular use can create a relaxing atmosphere in your room.  Use these scents in a room where you can relax and you are away from work and other stress factors.

Note on Herbal Supplements:

Most home remedies for anxiety consist of dietary supplements or herbs which are harmless, but if you’re already on medication, have a medical problem, if you are pregnant, trying to become pregnant, or breastfeeding, make sure you consult your family doctor and check if the herbal supplements are safe for you.

About The Author: Ryan Rivera is an ex-anxiety attack sufferer. You can find more information by him at   www.calmclinic.com

Porn: The New Drug of Choice

Feb 27, 2012
Day 129/365 - Damn you, Internet Porn

Image by Great Beyond via Flickr

Influence of Pornography

Internet porn is putting XXX theaters out of business.

Sex is without a doubt the #1 searced-for topic on the internet. 60 million people in the U.S. purposely visit internet porn sites. 32 million women visited at least one pornography website out of curiosity. 87% of university students have virtual sex, using an instant messenger, webcam and telephone.

Pornography is rampant in today’s world. In fact, it has become one of the leading industries in the US. Many look at it as just another business, but pornography has ended up taking away the mystery of sexuality from people. Sex can be an incredibly spiritual act, but with thousands upon thousands of pornographic videos available on the internet the intimacy from a sexual relationship is disappearing.

Many people have lost touch with their sexuality. Women often complain about the romance that is not present in their lives. Men are not intimate enough. The problem is not just with pornography. Representation of sexual behavior has been found in various cultures, and it dates many centuries back. Kama Sutra is a famous example of erotic literature. However, it was used as an educational tool, teaching on the finer arts of wine, fashion, and other cultural virtues, whereas pornography is mainly a tool for sexual excitement today.

Often people get addicted to internet pornography leading to various issues in their professional and personal life. They forget the joy that romance can bring into their life. They forget the beauty of an intimate sexual relationship. Sexual explicitness has always been a part of the human culture, but it manifests itself as pornography as the present day world prohibits such explicitness. People tend to watch pornography because they feel better, but they should also remember that it cannot replace a healthy sexual relationship.

In the next article about Pornography, I’ll tell you how amateur porn took 80% of the internet profits from them.

Depression in Men

Feb 24, 2012
On the Threshold of Eternity

Image via Wikipedia

Last year, 63,000 men died from stubbornness. They were depressed and they didn’t get help. It adversely effected their health and made them irritable, and uncomfortable to be around. They pushed away the women and children who loved them, cost themselves career advancements, and untold billions of dollars in lost revenue. How can America claim to be a leading nation in research, technology, healthcare and scientific advancement and still allow its men to suffer like this?

Of every four men, one is suffering with undiagnosed depression, and it is probably killing him. Men are culturally trained to be successful, not confide in other men, be tough and certainly not talk from our hearts.  So most men don’t say anything about being depressed. They access their depression as being tired, fatigued, stressed and pressured. Depression adversely affects a man’s sense of romance and definitely affects his sexual appetite and bedroom performance. Men are four times more likely than women to complete the act of suicide. 70-80% of all suicides in America are men. Men access anger and impatience easier than depression, and we self-medicate ourselves into numbness with drugs, alcohol, and seeking out risky behavior.

It’s silly too, to carry this silent killer when you realize that depression is easy to diagnose and easy to treat with some combination of talk therapy, exercise and sometimes medication. The men I see in my office lead happier, healthier, sexier lives. They often owe a debt of gratitude to the woman who can sense the depression and urges them to seek my assistance. The men I work with have good hearts, want to live well, and trust the recommendation from their woman.

Menopause: “Is it hot in here, or is it just me?”

Feb 21, 2012
Portrait of a woman with a fan and a cigarette.

Image via Wikipedia

Menopause comes to every woman like her own personal summer. Described as  a heat from within, the temperature inside a woman can spike skyward making living very uncomfortable for she and her man. To cool off, some women stand in front of the fan or the freezer trying to cool down, some begin to unbutton their blouse. At nighttime, they can soak the bed, the heat keeps her awake, and that makes for a very cranky next morning.

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Menopause signals the end of a woman’s reproductive era. No more babies. No more opportunity to be a mommy. If you haven’t had children by now, it’s not going to happen. The window of opportunity is closed. Your identity as a woman is changing. This upsets a lot of women.

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As does the sudden discomfort, rise and fall in temperatures, clothes go on and off, night sweats, and the patience all of this requires from her man.

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Remedies include hormone replacement therapy (although this is not good for every woman), herbal remedies, ice packs, and layered clothing, but none of these carries a satisfactory answer. Hot flashes may be diminished by exercising, keeping cool, and Hypnosis to promote slow, controlled breathing.

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With menstruation on one end of life (the beginning of the reproductive cycle), and menopause on the other (ending a woman’s reproductive capabilities), a woman’s life is divided into three time zones: before, during and after fertility. Menstruation and Menopause are the two rites of initiation into the mystery, wisdom and power of being a woman. In the years of menopause the woman is  initiated into the new identity of being a wise, mystical, powerful elder.

Human females are unique to all other species of females on this planet. They menstruate and cease to be reproductively available with half their lives still ahead of them. Ancient wisdom has it that menopause It is a woman’s way of passing into a mysterious time of life. A woman can become very independent, confident and insightful about life. New interests can emerge. It takes a hearty man to go through menopause with his woman and stay connected. When they do, a new, exciting chapter of their romance will open up to both of them.

It is an absolute myth to suggest that a woman’s sensuality goes out the window when menopause comes in. Not true at all. Every woman, right now, is orgasmic. If orgasm is re-defined as an intensely pleasurable experience with her man, which offers the opportunity for her to have an incredibly life changing, intimate connection of transformational enjoyment.

In this part of her life, the woman experiences a complete change at a cellular level. It is something she must do alone. It is a passage, a wilderness a woman must enter into alone. The men who love women cannot do this for them, they can only stand in support as they morph from caterpillar to butterfly. In classic legend, ancient wisdom, and Mythology the three classic stages of all human initiation are here to be experienced: isolation, death and rebirth. The woman emerges as a powerful source of spirit, love and wisdom.

Each woman has special needs; and menopause, as difficult as it is for some, offers special challenges. As men who honor women we give support and understanding, assuring her of our constant devotion during these turbulent times.

When a woman asks, Is it hot in here or is it just me? – every self respecting, romantic men shall now respond,   It’s you baby, it’s you.

Female Sexual Dysfunction – part 2

Feb 18, 2012
Orgasm Inc. - The Strange Science of Female Pl...

Orgasm Inc. – The Strange Science of Female Pleasure (Photo credit: k-ideas)

As the “dis-easing” of American women continues, the world health community offered funding for research on a female orgasm pill, they raised the flag, and the race was on. There’s big money to be made here. With the discovery of every disease, there is always a community of people ready to make some serious money. There will be pharmaceuticals dedicated to Female Orgasm, (as there should be), and there will be pharmaceuticals for the non-orgasmic (as there should be). (If a woman is slipped a “Micky” when she isn’t looking would it then be called a “Minnie?” – I’m just sayin’.) There will be books written, conferences given, professional talks given, and opinions debated. There is a film already made called “Orgasm” which will be coming to a theater near you. (Apologies offered for the cheap pun.) There will be therapies offered, support groups generated, and more self-help books written. The gurus of gyno’s will come forward and the world will be a happier place until the next disease is identified.

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The men will certainly get behind this issue because, when their woman is happy… everybody’s happy. And this new issue let’s a lot of men off the hook. If the women take responsibility for all the bedroom problems, we men get to be the compassionate, sympathetic, supporters of our suffering women, when we caused a lot of this problem by not being willing to learn about our sexuality when we had the chance. After all, how many classes are there for men on how to be a lover with a slow hand? The national average time it takes a man to go from foreplay to conclusion is 20 minutes. So, how many classes are there for men on how to make love for 2, 4 and 6 hours at a time? It is certainly possible for couples to enjoy making love for an average of 2 hours a time. (Quickies are also welcomed and enjoyed.)

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I certainly encourage women to take responsibility for their own bodies, and their own orgasms, (I was going to say there were no “butts” here, but this pun thing is getting out of my control.) I certainly encourage women to take responsibility for their own bodies, AND their own orgasms, period. AND… it is our masculine responsibility to treat women like the Goddesses they are in and out of the bedroom. It is our responsibility to continually be the best boyfriend, husband, lover and friend we can be.

Female Sexual Dysfunction – Part 1

Feb 15, 2012
Photo of Oprah Winfrey at her 50th birthday pa...

Image via Wikipedia

Female Sexual Dysfunction

Finally! Female Sexual Dysfunction may be getting the attention it deserves. If Oprah says it is epidemic then we should pay attention. Female Sexual Dysfunction is either physical or psychological. When it’s physical, it’s really painful, and would turn anybody off from sex. When it’s psychological, there are mental blocks to either becoming interested in having sex, or the arousal cycles get blocked by mental, emotional and spiritual conflicts, which is painful in another kind of way. 43% of women report being blocked by FSD, and more alarming is that 85% of women worldwide are unsatisfied sexually.

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I am sincerely happy Oprah is bringing attention to this issue. I also believe society is going to blame women and look in the wrong direction for answers.

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I question the veracity of the diagnosis: Female Sexual Dysfunction. The Mayo Clinic defines FSD as being persistent, recurrent problems with sexual response or desire — and if these problems are making you distressed or straining your relationship with your partner — what you’re experiencing is known medically as female sexual dysfunction.

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Now, I ask you, couldn’t the above “problems” be caused by a boyfriend or husband who is clumsy? Or rushed? Inattentive? or Impatient? How about if he were just slightly insensitive? What if he were ill-informed about her sexual molestation? or if she told him at all? Oh, for good times lets ask if he was immature? or ignorant of female anatomy? or love making? What if he smells like cheep beer? or is too loaded to know? How much does her Female Sexual Dysfunction increase if her best friend is being treated like a Goddess by her lover? (A lot, I’m sure.)

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Continues in part 2.