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"Jack and I dated for six years, and it wasn’t until our premarital counseling with you that we became intimately aware of each other. So now with eyes wide open, we will be married in two months."

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Delusional, Depressive, Dangerous, Obsessive Love

Dec 12, 2012
Obsessed (2009 film)

Obsessed (2009 film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Obsessive Love is an oxymoron. It is not what it appears to be. Obsessive love is not about love at all, but rather about capturing and controlling another human being. It is a pre-occupation with owning another human being who is physically, spiritually and/or emotionally unavailable.

Perhaps Obsessive Love is a fixation on someone who is already married or in another relationship. Perhaps Obsessive Love is a determination to get someone to love you who is otherwise committed to someone or something else. The would-be lover is usually so starved for attention and affection missing from their childhood they lock onto someone who looks kind to them and off they go, into fantasyland.

It might begin as a friendship but the Obsessive Lover eventually turns the relationship into a living nightmare for the target of the obsessed. The Obsessed will give, and give, and give until they are exhausted or spent, before expecting the target to then take care of them. They demand care from the targeted one, they feel justified in being repaid and rejection feels like a massive insult. The targeted one is getting away! This could never happen, and the Obsessed clamps on.

Tactics used by the Obsessive Lover are repetitive calling, showing up unannounced at the target’s work or home, driving by the target’s home, sending unwanted letters or gifts, stalking or following the target. The Obsessed feels so passionate about their rightness, they feel justified in everything they might do to the target including destroying them so no one else can enjoy them.

Questions to help identify an obsessed stalker in the making:

 

  • Do you have someone in your life who suffocates you emotionally?
  • Do they repeatedly try to convince you, you don’t know your own mind or heart? or that they know you better than you know yourself?
  • Do they refuse to accept that a relationship is over?
  • Is this person’s presence in your life causing you to have nervous symptoms?
  • Does this person get more insistent when you tell them it’s really over? Do they get depressed, and moody?
  • Does this person spend money on you, buying you cards, gifts and things you didn’t ask for or want?
  • Does this person check up on you, spy on you, track your movement?
  • Have you become afraid of going anywhere because they might be watching, or show up?
  • Are you becoming afraid they might harm themselves, and/or you?

Being the object of Obsessive Love is horrible. It is not flattering, and often turns into a nightmare. If you see the signs above, recognize that you have to get to safety.

  • End the obsessive relationship clearly and permanently.
  • Return all cards and letters unopened.
  • Do not receive, or hang up on their phone calls.
  • Do NOT try to reason or argue with them. It only gets you more involved.
  • Pray to end all spiritual soul ties.
  • Call security guards or police as often as necessary.
  • Get a restraining order if necessary.
  • Move, change phone numbers if necessary. This situation may continue to escalate.

Consult with an expert to see if there are particular tactics you can use to get yourself and loved ones to safety.

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Unrequited Love: Giving the Gift No One Wants (Part 1 of 3)

Dec 09, 2012
P.S. I Love You (The Beatles song)

P.S. I Love You (The Beatles song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Beatles sang, “Love … Love … Love … All you need is Love…”

– then they broke up.  – The inimical, Ryan D. Jones

Ryan says a lot of stuff I don’t hear, a lot of stuff I wish I hadn’t heard. And he says a lot of crazy stuff I wish I could publish and make a mint off of. He often says some of the funniest, most profound things in life.   So I listen when he talks, because you never know…. even a blind squirrel finds a nut occasionally.

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Love is what it’s all about isn’t it? We are hardwired to love and belong. It’s the sign of being a complete human being.

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If you find my beloved, tell him I am faint with Love.  -Song of Solomon 5:8

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If we are hardwired to love and belong, then it is the most painful, and universal experience to be  in love with someone, when they don’t love you back in the same way. Unrequited Love is a love that is unreciprocated. Every adult has been on one side of this love at one time in their life. It’s part of being an adult. It increases your compassion for both the loved and the lover. It is an insanely painful, heart-breaking ride that can leave you pretty distracted at best, and in agony at worst. On a richter scale it is probably like having something the size of a dinosaur sit on your chest.

 

One co-ed said, “I had given him everything I had (not physically, but definitely emotionally). I was totally empty and heartbroken by his rejection, and this affected me for a long time afterward…. I have not given myself to any guy with that same intensity since.”

(continues…)

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Why FANTASY is an important part of REALITY (3rd of 3), © Ruth Elliott, 2012

Dec 06, 2012

Our brain is both the receiver and the transmitter of thoughts we hold in our unconscious.  We can become ‘conscious’ in our ‘unconscious’.  HOW?

One way is when we are dreaming – then our conscious mind is ‘asleep’, and we are ‘awake’ in that part of our mind called the subconscious. Our subconscious is the link between our conscious and unconscious mind. It ‘thinks’ in pictures, which are symbols of important realities in our unconscious mind.

Another way we can connect with our subconscious is by relaxing and observing our thoughts.  As we slow down our minds, we can begin observing the thoughts as they enter our mind, and we can eventually exercise control over them. For example: If we see a negative thought we know is not the truth in reality, we can then stop it and give it a counter thought, “NO – That’s not true. The TRUTH is _________”

After practice we can train the mind to obey us, instead of us following blindly along, being run ragged by every thought that comes along.

If the horse represents our thoughts, where would we be without someone guiding them? We have to be that someone, ‘awake’ to where we want our thoughts to go, or we will not arrive to the destination of our choosing.

I became inspired by something one of our board members, Ray Jones, said recently. He mentioned, “why children love stories and why fairy tales with a moral message are so important to them”, and it got me thinking about it.

The reason why fairy tales and stories are so important is that children are still so close to their subconscious minds. They haven’t been so overloaded by the cares of this world yet, and the images in the stories are vital symbols that can speak with greater clarity and meaning to their unconscious minds. These symbols are tools we storytellers can use to impart wisdom and lessons early in life – while there is still hope to set their feet on solid ground.

Why FANTASY is an important part of REALITY (2nd of 3), © Ruth Elliott, 2012

Dec 03, 2012

3-The third reason that fantasy is such an important part of reality is that it is sometimes the only escape people have from wretched conditions. The ability to rise above this world is the stuff great storytellers and prophets use to take peoples hearts and minds to a better place they clearly see in their mind’s ‘eye’.

I heard the true account on the radio one day of a girl who told how she had been imprisoned for months by her father as a child, in a remote shack far from town, boarded up where no one could hear her cries. She suffered alternately terrible abuse and then neglect: Terror when he was there only to abuse her, and then abandonment when he’d leave her alone for days without proper necessities for survival. Her only escape was in fantasy, where she would go each day. She’d imagine that someone would come to rescue her, release her from her prison, and put her father in prison instead. It became her only hope and prayer each day, until finally one day it became a reality, when a passing stranger did heard her cries and she was finally rescued from her awful existence. The ‘fantasy had become a ‘reality’.

 

Where do our fantasies come from?

The subconscious mind is a rich source of fantasy and reality. Much of our dreaming comes from the images that are locked in our subconscious mind until they are given flight – when our ‘conscious’ mind goes to sleep, awakening our unconscious into our awareness.

Researchers now agree about the necessity of enough sleep to the sanity of the mind.   Why is it so important? If we don’t get adequate time for our ‘conscious’ mind to go to sleep, the ‘unconscious’ mind (which is really smarter than we give it credit for) can’t do its work!  Its work is what sustains us and gives meaning to the rest of our experience. That is where we connect to our own existence; our unconscious mind is the cohesive ‘glue’ of our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual lives.  That is why it is vital to get in touch with our subconscious minds, why our dreams are important, and why we need to pay attention to, and to learn to control, our thoughts.

Why FANTASY is an important part of REALITY (1st of 3), © Ruth Elliott, 2012

Dec 02, 2012

Why FANTASY is an important part of REALITY, © Ruth Elliott, 2012

Imagination - HNBD

Imagination – HNBD (Photo credit: HNBD)

FANTASY is an important part of REALITY in 3 WAYS:

 

1-It connects us with our imagination. When we fantasize we go into a different part of our brain, one that pictures things that are not in our immediate environment. Animals are so connected to their immediate surroundings that they are limited in their ability for higher thought. That’s what separates us from the animal kingdom. The reason Einstein said that imagination was more important than knowledge is simple: we can never go beyond what we already ‘know’ without going into our ‘imagination’, or another realm where we have not been before.

 

2-The second reason Fantasy is an important part of reality is that it gets us away from the humdrum day to day existence – away from the drab and boring things that drag us down. I’ve heard people say, “Don’t be so heavenly minded that you’re no earthly good!” but the reverse is usually the case with people. They are so ‘earthly’ bound that they never get off the ground, somewhat like animals.

The true test of our faculties comes when we can meld the two: Having our head held up in higher thought while keeping our feet firmly on the ground.  It’s a balancing act for sure.

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Life is No Joke, When Your Sex Life is Broke

Nov 29, 2012

Libido-Max

Libido-Max (Photo credit: jugbo)

Facing Hyposexuality: Starving ourselves to death in a restaurant

So you know there are Sexual Addicts out there in the world. People who can’t get enough of every kind of sexual activity. But the equal and opposite reaction is to starve yourself from sex and sexuality. Hypoactive sexual desire disorder is a term given to a condition when someone lacks a sexual drive. When such a condition leads to problems in inter personal relations, and distress that cannot be because of other conditions, then it is termed as a disorder. Such a condition can have a significant impact on a person especially in a country like the US. This is because most of the media and entertainment sources give the picture of a hyper sexual (above average sex drive) society. So, people with hypo sexuality start perceiving themselves as ‘abnormal’.
Hypo sexuality is something that can manifest itself in different forms. Someone may have a life-long low sex drive, other might have a low sex drive only for their current partner and some might develop it after being sexually normal for some time. You should understand the fact that, simply not being interested in sex is not a disorder. Only when this lack of interest starts affecting your relationships or causes you other problems then it is classified as a disorder. A lot of times, the condition is caused due to psychological or social factors.
This disorder can be cured and sometimes in very simple ways. A lot of times it is the relationship or some experiences in the past that leads to this situation. On occasions, having an honest conversation with your partner can be more than sufficient to solve this issue.
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Your Guide to Understanding Obsessive Love

Nov 26, 2012

English: Obsessive Love Wheel

English: Obsessive Love Wheel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Obsessive Love Wheel

 
Obsessive love is an oxy-moron: it’s not about love at all. It is about owning and possessing another person.
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Often people confuse an obsession with being in love. When the two are fused, it can lead to volatile, destructive relationships. Obsessive love is the kind of love that leads to murder, rape, stalking, false accusations and suicide among other things. An obsessive love wheel divides this kind of love into stages that can be clearly identified in certain behavioral traits.
The first stage relates to the initial attraction. This is an overwhelming, emotional or physical attraction that ignores any signs of incompatibility and focusses on physical and emotional traits rather than personality characteristics. The Obsessed begins to have magical fantasies about the person, and then signs of controlling, obsessive behavior begin to show.
The next stage is an anxious one, where the obsessed begins to create unrealistic and baseless notions about the other person abandoning you or being unfaithful. This can lead to depression or violent reactions.
The third phase is the stalker or obsessive phase, when the obsessed person may follow the target, continuously call, stop by the office unannounced, drive by and even monitor the targeted one. Obsessive questions are usually a characteristic of this phase.
Finally, the obsessed person enters the destructive phase. This is usually triggered by the targeted one fleeing or leaving. This phase is characterized by depression for the obsessed, substance abuse and thoughts of suicide. Obsessive love easily transitions from one phase to the next, even the slightest signs of it should be checked and preventive measures should be taken. An Obsessive Love is not love at all, it is all about control and possession of the targeted one.
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When Someone you Love, Loves Porn More

Nov 23, 2012

Porn is General Interest

Porn is General Interest (Photo credit: futureshape)

Influence of Pornography

 
Pornography is rampant in today’s world. In fact, it has become one of the leading industries in the US. Many look at it as just another business, but pornography has ended up taking away the mystery of sexuality from people. Sex can be an incredibly spiritual act, but with thousands upon thousands of pornographic videos available on the internet the intimacy from a sexual relationship is disappearing.
Many people have lost touch with their sexuality. Women often complain about the romance that is not present in their lives. Men are not intimate enough anymore. The problem is not just with pornography. Representation of sexual behavior has been found in various cultures, and it dates many centuries back. Kama Sutra is a famous example of erotic literature. However, it was used as an educational tool, whereas pornography is mainly a tool for sexual excitement today.
Often people get addicted to internet pornography leading to various issues in their professional and personal life. They forget the joy that romance can bring into their life. They forget the beauty of an intimate sexual relationship. Sexual explicitness has always been a part of the human culture, but it manifests itself as pornography as the present day world prohibits such explicitness. People tend to watch pornography because they feel better, but they should also remember that it cannot replace a healthy sexual relationship.
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The Ultimate Guidebook to Avoiding Emotional Manipulators and Bullies

Nov 20, 2012

Be Aware of Traits That Permit Others to Manipulate You.

Be Aware of Manipulation in Relationships.
 
People often complain of being controlled or manipulated. However, what they do not realize is that it is some of their behavioral traits, which make them exposed to chronic manipulators. These traits are easily recognizable and can be dealt with to prevent people from taking advantage of you.
People who have been traumatised in childhood, who are sensitive to others moods, and those who have a world view that excludes guiltlessness in others are susceptible to manipulation. These are people who were bullied earlier in life and have learned to be hyper-aware of others needs. Manipulators find such people easy to influence and control. In Spiritual terms these are people who have allowed their soul (including their mind, and emotions) to have larger say-so in their decision making than their spirit. Manipulators will do such people small favors to engender a false sense of loyalty in the victim  in order to take advantage of this weakness.
Another sign that will attract manipulators is being a compassionate, caring, overly giving individual. These are people who are afraid of confrontations and will tolerate insults and emotional abuse in order to avoid a confrontation. The victim holds too tightly to the belief that the Manipulator is merely a hurting person in need of love and safety, forgetting that there are some in society who are not just hurt people, but guiltless people who don’t care who they hurt in the process. A chronic manipulator will take advantage of this by pretending to be upset or angry, which he knows will affect your sensitive nature.
Finally, when the victim carries a misunderstanding of their own identity, or a lack of  their own authority they exud a sense of being manipulatable. Most often the victim has a higher than average sense of responsibility for the well being of others. These are easily identifiable traits in any person. Chronic, malevolent manipulators will immediately use you to help boost their ego and also make you act according to their whims and fancies. It is obvious that a person with low self-confidence, a high view of personal responsibility, and a large compassion for others is easy to push around, and this is exactly what manipulators seek.
Manipulators use an up and down tactic to gain leverage in a victims life. Manipulators build the victim up, praise them, thank them, give little concessions to them and alternately tear them down, criticize them, belittle them. All of it is designed to break the victim down and make them feel responsible for the well-being of the Manipulator. The Manipulator is not looking to merely steal all they can, they are looking for someone to keep in their stable, someone they can live off of.
When the relationship finally explodes the Manipulator will be hurt, shocked and retaliatory. They will become very vengeful and strike out against the victim. Then, having done as much damage as they can, they move on and find another victim. These people are the parasites of society, never developing their own skills, talents and income, because they find it easier to live off of someone else’s efforts. There is not enough warning in society about these Manipulators because they are so difficult to spot up front. Only their victims can really tell you what it’s like to be devastated by a Manipulator, but often it’s after the devastation has occurred.
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The Essential Guidebook to Dealing with Emotional Manipulators and Bullies (part 3 of 3)

Nov 18, 2012

In the movie “Toy Story” – the boy next door, Sid, destroyed insects, animals, toys, and was working himself up to more hideous crimes when last we leave him. Snidley Whiplash was never remorseful. The Silence of the Lambs shows a fiend (Hannibal Lecter) who was beyond rehabilitation. The Enemy, the Devil, Diablo, The Lord of the Flies is never satisfied with what he attains, never caring about anyone, laughs at their displeasure. No guilt, No satisfaction, No compassion. Watch for these signs in your Victimizer and you’ll know you’re dealing with a Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing, a Scorpion, a Snake.

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These people only go away with the use of money (enough money to buy them off), attorney’s (legal proceedings, restraining orders, lawsuits) and police (to escort them off the premises.)

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The victim goes through three predictable phases:  Disbelief (questioning and doubting yourself, thinking you’ve misunderstood, blaming yourself, or excusing the Vampire as in “They couldn’t have meant that. They didn’t mean what I think they just said.).  Defense – (you start defending yourself. You search for evidence to hold onto your sanity. You look for ways to help the Parasite. You search for evidence to prove your Wicked was wrong.)  and  Depression (you’re exhausted, overwhelmed and worn out. Without support from God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and other friends, you are likely to cave in on your own reality.)

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When the Bully breaks the victim mentally they have their living slave. It gets more and more difficult for the victim to leave. Authorities have typically mis-understood, even shamed these human sacrifices. What they don’t understand is how hard it is to extricate yourself from the clutches of an Emotional Abuser. In the movie “The Black Swan” – the victim comes to believe the only way to escape the clutches of the Victimizer, is to kill herself.

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This aspect alone makes the Emotional Bully more hideous than the common criminal. They are not satisfied in simply ripping someone off. In fact, they are not satisfied by anything except winning, or dominating another person mentally. They are the spider, their victim is the fly, and the spider won’t kill the fly. The prey is kept alive. That’s sub-human. This never occurs in the animal kingdom. The law of the jungle is you kill to survive. Nowhere will you see some animal keep another alive for the sole purpose of showing domination. That is why this subcategory of entity is less than human. They have no guilt, no compunction, no sense of remorse, because they have no compassion, no attachments, no satisfactions. They have no heart.

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So used by the Enemy to steal hopes, kill dreams, and destroy lives, these Parasites find it easier to strip others of their resources than to work at legitimate employment. They have no heart. They are not human. They do not care. They are never satisfied. They are the living dead. Attempts to rehabilitate these Scorpions are scoffed at. They are experts at beating the system. God will not have mercy on them for the innocence they have destroyed. There is no hope for those who intentionally harm the innocent. Their father is the father of lies. They have one end, and no one, no living person wants to go there. The fact that these Parasites do not care if they go to hell, tells you this much – they are already dead.

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