Sex questions might be best answered in person.
I watched a young couple on You Tube (Jennifer and Dan) answer relational questions. Don’t get me wrong, I am jealous that they are out there answering sex and relationship questions, and I’m also totally glad they are, but I had a snort of a time with their response to the question: How do I tell him I’m not sexually satisfied?
Mind you, I’m not making light of this couple, I respect them for getting out there. In the past, I’ve been too perfectionistic. Listen to their responses as representative of most couples and you’ll see what a plight America is in.
To the question of How do I tell my guy I’m not satisfied with our love-making?
A woman writes in to Dan and Jennifer: My boyfriend thinks women who are unsatisfied and then go outside the relationship are selfish.
Doooough! They ARE! Educate yourself and your partner or get out of the relationship before you stray. the Hosts eventually move in this direction.
At one point the host (Dan) says “cuz every man knows how to get a woman off.”
My response: “WHAT?” to the 10th power. Not every man knows how to treat a woman. That’s why men are using “roofies” to sedate women. That’s why men are blaming women and changing partners so often. All this would be different if more men would learn how to be with a woman.
Jennifer answers: Try new positions. Gently guide him to do something you like, and if he does something you like tell him. With men, you have to be very patient. Treat them like puppies. encourage everything they do right, and if they do something wrong… don’t tell ’em. Just tell them how they can do something better, suggest something else.
Me: Jennifer is saying something right, you have to massage a man’s ego, encourage him in what he is doing correctly, but it’s a sad statement about men that they can‘t take correction. But… treat them like “puppies?” -please.
If you tell him and he doesn’t care, you gotta ask yourself, if you’re with the right person. Cuz you shouldn’t be unhappy or be there out of guilt. If you’ve tried everything, at some point you may have to decide to go, but make sure you’ve tried everything first.
My comment: I agree. Don’t stay out of guilt or shame, try everything, and make the tough decision to go if he’s not responsive.
You can watch more of their relationship answers at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_JDAlt9UI8
Freedom from Verbal Abuse
If I were King, I would make it a hate crime for verbal abuse to exist. It is wicked to break someone down mentally. Verbal abuse can be as destructive and harmful as physical abuse, the only difference being verbal abuse leaves no physical scars. On second thought, if we listen to ancient wisdom, words have the power to create life and death. Verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse.
Many relationships seem wonderful and perfect at the beginning but some relationships do turn into manipulative, humiliating and intimidating connections.
Let’s follow the progression from normal disagreement to abuse: In a normal relationship there are moments where one or both partners are uncomfortable. These are not necessarily bad. It could be a time of growth, something new to explore. But, if the discomfort is ignored, dismissed or shamed, the tension between the two progresses into veiled anger, sarcasm and verbal jabs. If this tension is ignored, and contempt settles in the relationship progresses to become verbally abusive.
There are usually some stages that a verbally abusive relationship manifests. In the beginning, your partner may become detached, preoccupied and a little too critical. For a while, they may even apologize. During this early stage, the abuser accuses the victim for his or her failures and also criticizes petty things about the victim. The abuser blames the partner for even provoking them so much they lose their composure. The conversations, if you can call them that, are loaded with sarcasm, put downs, and jokes at the partner’s expense. The abuser is being filled with unforgiveness, bitterness and rage. If contempt sets in, the relationship is usually lost.
This is when the abuse begins. Abuse is characterized by massive fights during which a lot of threats and hurtful words are said. It is at this stage that the abuse can sometimes even turn physical. Being an abusive person usually results from a dysfunctional childhood, where anger management obviously wasn’t on the agenda. Finally, once the abuse is done, the abuser gets apologetic and does everything in his or her power to set things right again, until the entire cycle begins all over again.
Breaking this cycle is the key to changing the nature of your relationship. This can be attained by increasing your awareness of signs of verbal abuse and being assertive and not allowing the abuser to manipulate and dominate you. Sometimes couples who cannot do these reparations by themselves seek external help from therapists, who can improve communication and understanding between partners.
If the contempt and disgust isn’t too far progressed, the relationship can be salvaged. If it has been unattended to for too long a time, it is usually too far gone. Get help before it is too late.
Menopause comes to every woman like her own personal summer. Described as a heat from within, the temperature inside a woman can spike skyward making living very uncomfortable for she and her man. To cool off, some women stand in front of the fan or the freezer trying to cool down, some begin to unbutton their blouse. At nighttime, they can soak the bed, the heat keeps her awake, and that makes for a very cranky next morning.
Menopause signals the end of a woman’s reproductive era. No more babies. No more opportunity to be a mommy. If you haven’t had children by now, it’s not going to happen. The window of opportunity is closed. Your identity as a woman is changing. This upsets a lot of women.
As does the sudden discomfort, rise and fall in temperatures, clothes go on and off, night sweats, and the patience all of this requires from her man.
Remedies include hormone replacement therapy (although this is not good for every woman), herbal remedies, ice packs, and layered clothing, but none of these carries a satisfactory answer. Hot flashes may be diminished by exercising, keeping cool, and Hypnosis to promote slow, controlled breathing.
With menstruation on one end of life (the beginning of the reproductive cycle), and menopause on the other (ending a woman’s reproductive capabilities), a woman’s life is divided into three time zones: before, during and after fertility. Menstruation and Menopause are the two rites of initiation into the mystery, wisdom and power of being a woman. In the years of menopause the woman is initiated into the new identity of being a wise, mystical, powerful elder.
Human females are unique to all other species of females on this planet. They menstruate and cease to be reproductively available with half their lives still ahead of them. Ancient wisdom has it that menopause It is a woman’s way of passing into a mysterious time of life. A woman can become very independent, confident and insightful about life. New interests can emerge. It takes a hearty man to go through menopause with his woman and stay connected. When they do, a new, exciting chapter of their romance will open up to both of them.
It is an absolute myth to suggest that a woman’s sensuality goes out the window when menopause comes in. Not true at all. Every woman, right now, is orgasmic. If orgasm is re-defined as an intensely pleasurable experience with her man, which offers the opportunity for her to have an incredibly life changing, intimate connection of transformational enjoyment.
In this part of her life, the woman experiences a complete change at a cellular level. It is something she must do alone. It is a passage, a wilderness a woman must enter into alone. The men who love women cannot do this for them, they can only stand in support as they morph from caterpillar to butterfly. In classic legend, ancient wisdom, and Mythology the three classic stages of all human initiation are here to be experienced: isolation, death and rebirth. The woman emerges as a powerful source of spirit, love and wisdom.
Each woman has special needs; and menopause, as difficult as it is for some, offers special challenges. As men who honor women we give support and understanding, assuring her of our constant devotion during these turbulent times.
When a woman asks, Is it hot in here or is it just me? – every self respecting, romantic men shall now respond, It’s you baby, it’s you.
As the “dis-easing” of American women continues, the world health community offered funding for research on a female orgasm pill, they raised the flag, and the race was on. There’s big money to be made here. With the discovery of every disease, there is always a community of people ready to make some serious money. There will be pharmaceuticals dedicated to Female Orgasm, (as there should be), and there will be pharmaceuticals for the non-orgasmic (as there should be). (If a woman is slipped a “Micky” when she isn’t looking would it then be called a “Minnie?” – I’m just sayin’.) There will be books written, conferences given, professional talks given, and opinions debated. There is a film already made called “Orgasm” which will be coming to a theater near you. (Apologies offered for the cheap pun.) There will be therapies offered, support groups generated, and more self-help books written. The gurus of gyno’s will come forward and the world will be a happier place until the next disease is identified.
The men will certainly get behind this issue because, when their woman is happy… everybody’s happy. And this new issue let’s a lot of men off the hook. If the women take responsibility for all the bedroom problems, we men get to be the compassionate, sympathetic, supporters of our suffering women, when we caused a lot of this problem by not being willing to learn about our sexuality when we had the chance. After all, how many classes are there for men on how to be a lover with a slow hand? The national average time it takes a man to go from foreplay to conclusion is 20 minutes. So, how many classes are there for men on how to make love for 2, 4 and 6 hours at a time? It is certainly possible for couples to enjoy making love for an average of 2 hours a time. (Quickies are also welcomed and enjoyed.)
I certainly encourage women to take responsibility for their own bodies, and their own orgasms, (I was going to say there were no “butts” here, but this pun thing is getting out of my control.) I certainly encourage women to take responsibility for their own bodies, AND their own orgasms, period. AND… it is our masculine responsibility to treat women like the Goddesses they are in and out of the bedroom. It is our responsibility to continually be the best boyfriend, husband, lover and friend we can be.
Female Sexual Dysfunction
Finally! Female Sexual Dysfunction may be getting the attention it deserves. If Oprah says it is epidemic then we should pay attention. Female Sexual Dysfunction is either physical or psychological. When it’s physical, it’s really painful, and would turn anybody off from sex. When it’s psychological, there are mental blocks to either becoming interested in having sex, or the arousal cycles get blocked by mental, emotional and spiritual conflicts, which is painful in another kind of way. 43% of women report being blocked by FSD, and more alarming is that 85% of women worldwide are unsatisfied sexually.
I am sincerely happy Oprah is bringing attention to this issue. I also believe society is going to blame women and look in the wrong direction for answers.
I question the veracity of the diagnosis: Female Sexual Dysfunction. The Mayo Clinic defines FSD as being persistent, recurrent problems with sexual response or desire — and if these problems are making you distressed or straining your relationship with your partner — what you’re experiencing is known medically as female sexual dysfunction.
Now, I ask you, couldn’t the above “problems” be caused by a boyfriend or husband who is clumsy? Or rushed? Inattentive? or Impatient? How about if he were just slightly insensitive? What if he were ill-informed about her sexual molestation? or if she told him at all? Oh, for good times lets ask if he was immature? or ignorant of female anatomy? or love making? What if he smells like cheep beer? or is too loaded to know? How much does her Female Sexual Dysfunction increase if her best friend is being treated like a Goddess by her lover? (A lot, I’m sure.)
Continues in part 2.
Fact: Americans are inundated every day with an average of 5,000 messages telling us our looks are important to our survival. Women are targeted 11 times more than men. The message is: women should fear aging, be unusually thin, and have flawless skin if they want to attract a man who will keep them safe the rest of their lives.
American culture teaches us to “look our best.” Our parents teach us from young to “look good.” We ask our friends “How do I look?” It starts young, and without great fanfare. As we grow, we are bombarded with advertising that teaches us we can always improve. Our self-image can make or destroy how we feel about ourselves.
Damaged self-image leads to isolation, depression, and missed opportunities. This was once mainly prevalent among women. However, poor self image is now mainstream to men, women and children. Very young children are critical of each other, which then sets in place the road map a child may follow.
If yourself image is poor, I want you to know how lovely you are in God’s eyes. I want you to exude confidence no matter what your age, size or status. Your confidence is a gift you give to yourself and this world.
The Secret War on Women
Women have been fighting a secret war in America without air support, adequate supplies and masculine support. Morale to fight back is at an all time low.
The war women face daily centers on their Body Image. Body Image is how a person feels about their body. A good body image reflects a woman filled with confidence, which men say is the most attractive feature of a woman.
The media continually sets unrealistic standards for weight, appearance and aging. Constant exposure to media images of unrealistic women produces depression, low self-esteem, insecurity, jealousy, cosmetic surgeries and unhealthy eating habits.
80-90% of American women are dissatisfied with their looks. 1 in 4 women use unhealthy weight control. 1 in 6 women have been sexually assaulted and many hide their beauty to protect themselves from attracting another assault. They spiral between feeling dowdy and using unhealthy means to control their appearance. 90% of dieters regain the weight they lose, and the diet industry is now a 100 Billion dollar a year industry.
The typical woman sees 400-600 media images a day, hears testimonies and reads articles about surgery, cosmetics, diet and aging. These picture essays are strategically sandwiched between articles of how they need these products to be relationally attractive. The media ignores the truth that people are attracted for a variety of reasons including intelligence, talent, empathy, faith and a sense of humor.
Todays ideal woman is portrayed as thin, big chested and flawless. Eating disorders have increased 400% since 1970 and the mortality rate is still 50%. Women are unfairly frightened of aging. No one is taught that as women age they can become more beautiful in deeper, more sensual and loving ways.
Instead, the corporations are there to sell frightened girls the products they now believe they need to achieve this fantasy level of happiness. It’s a covert war for dollars, greed is the motive and women’s self esteem is the casualty. The younger generation doesn’t have a choice to be influenced or not, their choice was made for them by corporate avarice.
Women long to reveal beauty, first in themselves then in the source of their beauty: the God who created them. Together we must wake up a nation being led into the suppression of a woman’s true beauty.