The Beatles sang, “Love … Love … Love … All you need is Love…”
– then they broke up. – The inimical, Ryan D. Jones
Ryan says a lot of stuff I don’t hear, a lot of stuff I wish I hadn’t heard. And he says a lot of crazy stuff I wish I could publish and make a mint off of. He often says some of the funniest, most profound things in life. So I listen when he talks, because you never know…. even a blind squirrel finds a nut occasionally.
Love is what it’s all about isn’t it? We are hardwired to love and belong. It’s the sign of being a complete human being.
If you find my beloved, tell him I am faint with Love. -Song of Solomon 5:8
If we are hardwired to love and belong, then it is the most painful, and universal experience to be in love with someone, when they don’t love you back in the same way. Unrequited Love is a love that is unreciprocated. Every adult has been on one side of this love at one time in their life. It’s part of being an adult. It increases your compassion for both the loved and the lover. It is an insanely painful, heart-breaking ride that can leave you pretty distracted at best, and in agony at worst. On a richter scale it is probably like having something the size of a dinosaur sit on your chest.
One co-ed said, “I had given him everything I had (not physically, but definitely emotionally). I was totally empty and heartbroken by his rejection, and this affected me for a long time afterward…. I have not given myself to any guy with that same intensity since.”
Dancing has taught me some amazing lessons about relationships, I’ll share a few of these lessons with you here and in and future blogs.
Dancing begins with a good approach.
The invitation to dance is a man’s invitation for a woman to come out of the world of women and join him in a world of magic.
How many teenage boys pull up in front of their girlfriend’s home and honk? Does that still happen? Really? I know a guy who proposed to his wife by texting – “Wanna do it? Get married?” – They laugh about it now (thank God she’s laughing) because that’s a pretty lame proposal, possibly the worst proposal I’ve heard about.
When a man approaches for a dance, he extends a hand, an invitation to join him. In the Tango however, it’s manhood on steroids. The man makes eye contact first, from across the room. He says with his eyes, “I want you. Yes, you. I want you to dance with me.” – then he approaches. His hand extended, expecting her to come out from the female pack and be with him. I mean really BE WITH him. The Tango is intensely romantic. The Tango Dancer is an Alpha Male, and she knows it. The Tango is a hot dance.
Many men are afraid to approach a woman they are attracted to. We call it “Approach Anxiety” – and it’s something I help men overcome if they are to realize their worth and value to women.
It’s about the dance, and the dance is about strength and beauty. Strength and Beauty contain the goodness of Love.
Be sure you heard what you think she said. Use the phrase: “I heard you say X, is that what you meant?” Use the phrase often. It helps clear up communication, shows her you’re paying attention, and keeps you out of trouble.
If you want to go further, where it’s appropriate ask here what her “inner woman” is saying.
Women have an outer and an inner woman. With their outer woman they say what they think they should say, they tell you what you want to hear. But, she also has an inner woman.
When you respect her inner woman, you’ll gain points, and save yourself some grief.
She is often not in contact with her own inner woman, and this causes her to feel unsafe. When you ask about the inner woman, at first she may not know who you are talking about, but when it becomes clear to her, she will love you all the more for it.
Oprah had an article on how women could approach their men. It is a good article, but one of the comments below was even more interesting.
………from Oprah online
Hey! Hey! Hey! I am a real man and I have to put my 2 cents in here. When women talk about how to connect with the men in their life; there are few things to look at: If we are talking about men in a spousal role, at the onset of the relationship, women have to make sure that the men are compatible in every way; I say this because to me love is good in a relationship but communication is greater. Why would you want to live the rest of your life with someone who cannot hold a conversation? Remember the first time you met, he called you ten times a day, invited you to every arena and listened attentively to all you had to say, and you couldn’t shot him up. You have to keep that fire burning all the time; but generally you forget along the way and you changed the routine or you allow life occurrences to dictate new routines for your life; then boom it hits you in between the eyes—No more going with him to the arena, no more healthy conversation, no more talking on the phone for hours, no more spontaneous outings. Now everyday becomes a struggle in and out of your home. Instead of taking a step back to revisit where everything started the nosedive; you only find faults with each other. The fault in my book is 50/50 for both of you because you both forgot to feed the source of your initial conversation which brought you closer together at the beginning. Remember, once you said I do, you cannot turn around and try to change Mr. Silent to Mr. talkative. As for other men in your life; be it a dad, a brother or an uncle it is same antidote; the type of your relationship at the onset with any of these men will always remain same; as long as you continue to feed the source. Women are mostly drawn to their fathers and men to their mothers. If there is a health relationship and flow of conversation from the start, it always continues. You have to continue doing all the things that gives him pleasure to communicate. And forget to pay attention to the details.
Tsoul1007 is right on. It is useless to fix blame on one another. Blame only serves to isolate your partner. That said, the suggestions in the article are great, this is a great article. Approaching men from the side is brilliant! AND… did you know, approaching women almost straight on is appropriate for them. Women feel safer when they can see who’s approaching and assess what their motives are. Approach women from just off center. If you approach women from the side, like you would a man, women get jumpy. Their primitive warning signals go off and they worry about their safety. If you do approach a woman from the side or behind, announce yourself and tell her what your reasons are for approaching her this way. It shows respect for a woman.
Life is way too short to not be a Romantic. After all, what good does it do a man to gain the entire world and lose the only thing in life he ever really cared about? That which gave meaning to his life?
I didn’t aim at being a Romantic, I just realized over time, and with proper inspiration, that I had become one. There are characteristics of being a Romantic Man, I’d like to share with you. A Romantic Man:
- …exercises his creativity often, in many different ways, not just in romance.
- …takes love seriously.
- …makes his intimate love relationship his highest priority. (Sometimes this is because, in a prior relationship, her took her for granted, and vowed never to do that again.
- …offers romantic gestures with no agenda. (he does not give to get, he just gives. The joy of seeing how loved she feels is his reward, payment, and meaning for life.)
- …appreciates her uniqueness.
- …maintains a deep, spiritual connection with his partner.
- …gives of themselves without expectations.
- …continuously learns and grows.
- …is just a little bit naughty.
- …celebrates both the masculine and the feminine.
- …celebrates sexuality.
- …pursues new and different experiences.
- …stays in touch with his emotions.
The greatest compliment I’ve received for being a Romantic, the best compliment – ever – came from my son. Officially, he is – 2Lt. Nathan Charles Jones, Army Ranger. But to me he’s Nathan. He said, Dad, you know I got my romanticism from you Dad. I’m a romantic because of you.
(part 2) Lessons from an Angel (Cary Grant) on being a Romantic Man.
Julia: I never know what to think. I never know when you’re joking or serious.
Dudley: When I’m joking I’m the most serious.
My thought: Being playful and doing the unexpected captures the woman’s interest. Dudley is being wonderfully paradoxical, and has no need to explain himself. The romantic man can keep his woman off balance by being playful and taking her on an adventure. I remind you, do not cover up your chronic anxiety with humor, get a therapist and do the work of coming to peace with yourself. Remember men, the humor is never at her expense. Kid her for sure, but never put her down with your humor. Instead, treat her like your 10 year old sister – be playful and kind. When you have to make a choice, make yourself the butt of a joke, it’s much more endearing, and shows you have the ego strength to handle it.
Henry: What’s that you’re singing dear?
Julia: I don’t know, is it something?
My Observations: Henry, the husband is noticing for the first time, that when his woman is paid a little attention, her spirit comes alive. Your woman is craving for your attention. This wife has not manipulated the attention being paid to her, she’s being feminine. Remember, in their old neighborhood she was well known, and well liked. Her feminine spirit opens people up. Notice though, when a woman comes alive, she’s brighter, more energetic, more alive, more vibrant, more attractive – and she doesn’t even notice it at first.
Henry: I like to watch your brushing your hair.
Julia: Is that a compliment?
Henry: You’re so capable … everything you do is so, capable.
My comment: Dooough! Has it been so long since you’ve flirted with your wife Henry that you forgot how? Did you stop flirting after you got married? Are there more important things to do than romance your wife? You dolt! Let’s take a walk, Henry, I need to teach you a few dozen things.
Henry: If there’s anything I pride myself in, it’s that we live a well-ordered life.
My rantings: Dooooough! Henry! Don’t make me open this can of whup-ass! You pride yourself in a well-ordered life? Ohmygawd Henry, your wife wants to be part of an adventure, of a life spent in something larger than herself. She wants to be your love, not your nanny. We’ve got some learning to do here Henry, are you teachable. You can have her responding to your touch, and your voice in quick time, if you’re willing to learn the secrets of romance.
Henry needs some help here. He’s about to sink even lower. I need an aspirin. Follow along in part 3.
I love to talk with people about sex. By sex, I mean real sex – intimate connections between lovers who share a deep, honest and close relationship. The times when two souls are reflected through their eyes, and their bodies touch with an excitement and arousal that is born anew every time. For the lover, every time they undress, it is as if it were the first time. They continually rediscover they are naked and not ashamed.
Sex is a heightened awareness of being alive, and of being together in this aliveness. This is why eros makes us feel so alive. It’s a language of be-ing together. Sexuality is an intimate language spoken between two adults. Lovers enter a mystery where conveying what they celebrate in the other will amplify their own pleasure. In desiring the other, their hunger intensifies the responsiveness of the other. Lovers feel a mysterious participation in something much larger than themselves. Most report an oceanic oneness when they are making love. Time is distorted, the world outside of themselves disappears. They are in a lover’s trance. An erotic altered state.
Lovers speak a language deeper than words. They communicate with sounds and movements and gazes far beyond what words and syntax could possibly convey. When sensual intimacy is uninhibited it becomes a bond which cements the lovers together against all odds. Love finds new ways to liberate the imprisoned heart. When sex is expressed with another, we often end up discovering our own hearts in ways we never knew were possible.
Which is why those who have hidden their hearts from love’s ultimate conversation have limited their capacity to communicate. Those who have separated their body from their soul, find their connections with others to be restricted and lacking in vitality.
Sex is not for the childish. This is why those who ignore the desires of their hearts can miss out on the life they were given. Every reader of this blog must understand, sex alone is not life, it only points to life. Everyone should know that sex can be an immensely spiritual encounter, leading us to see, hear and taste a life that extends far beyond the bedroom.
Review from part 1:
- All women are potential goddesses
- A goddess is a spiritual person
- A goddess gives life
- A goddess inspires
A goddess shows her appreciation
A woman who shows appreciation for the men in her life will never be at a lack for male attention. Allow me to illustrate…
In the classic Christmas movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life” George Bailey has just dished away his honeymoon money to save the town from falling under the miserly hands of the greedy bank owner. He’s done a good thing, but now he has nothing, no honeymoon, no money. He didn’t take his bride on a honeymoon, and doesn’t know how she’s reacting. Will she understand how he followed his heart, or will she be angry he messed up their special time together?
His friend, Ernie, the cab driver is instructed to pick him up at the end of the day and takes him to the old run down home, the newlyweds used to dream about owning when they were teenagers. It’s pouring rain, the rickety place is full of leaks, they have no electricity, it’s in awful shape. His new bride, Mary, again shows the kind of character she is made of. She has transformed the living room into a couple’s hideaway. She has salvaged a bad situation.
Candles illumine the dingy dwelling. A chicken is roasting in the fireplace, the rotisserie turning by the spin of the record player. The music is romantic. The settings are meager. She is in the dress she would have worn on their honeymoon is a vision of beauty for George to lay eyes on. At his lowest moment, she shows she loves him and believes in him. His response? He kisses her with passion.
If he’s a good man, and I think he is, he will honor this woman all the days of his life.
A woman who shows appreciation for men in spite of all the dopey things we do, and because of all the cool stuff we do, is truly on her way to being a legendary goddess. She will have no end of men wanting to give her attention.
Most importantly, the definitive quality that separates mere mortals from divine goddesses…
A goddess is sensual
A goddess is a woman who is comfortable in her skin. She is a woman fully alive to her body. She takes responsibility for her own sexual pleasure.
A woman fully alive is a glorious creature, fully divine, and is fully aware of her sensuality.
By this I do not mean she is barely clothed, sexy and slinky like a plastic “Barbie” doll or Hollywood icon. What is meant is that she is inspires men, appreciates men, understands men. A sensual woman is aware of being a sensual woman. She has the power to move people to action. After all, men fought wars over women, wrote songs, painted paintings, won competitions for women. Women are incredibly powerful in society.
Every woman of any age, race, size or heritage can be this kind of sensual. Every woman has the potential for being a goddess. That so few women have taken the time to explore their divine femininity is why I raise our consciousness around women’s issues whenever I have a platform for doing so.
A goddess is a messenger
A classy woman knows there is a spiritual beauty much greater than she can possess. Yes, she draws her man to her, she inspires him, arouses him, but she knows she is only a beautiful reflection of the great and ultimate reality. There is One who is the creator of beauty. She connects her men to the spiritual source of all beauty.
The awareness of being a messenger of ultimate beauty gives her confidence as she ages. As a woman gets older she becomes more, and more beautiful to the men who value the beauty of a woman’s heart.
There’s so much more to say about being a goddess, if you want me to continue just let me know, I’d be happy to.
I would love to hear your experiences with goddesses. Please write and tell me about the women you know who qualify as goddesses and tell us how women have clearly missed their goddess calling. Writing to me gives me permission to print your story, and respond to you.
The Lady is a Goddess
All women are potential goddesses
Women are the hot topic, they always are. I love talking to women and about women. I was interviewed by my friend, Gail for her radio program. We had a stimulating interview about honoring the women in our lives. The broadcast has been added to the website so you can hear the entire show. (Gail Bongalis at the Universal Hope Radio – www.sqr.fm)
Gail led the interview with an interesting question. Some people in the church have had a problem with the term goddess. How can we describe a woman as a goddess in ways that are comfortable to the people cautious with New Age terms. Crud (the nice version of “oh crap.”) I had gotten out of touch with that possibility. The circles I move in are so comfortable with the term, I had forgotten others were still uncomfortable with the term. I didn’t mean to become insensitive, I had simply become comfortable with my own use of the term. It was a good question on her part, and sensitive to those uncomfortable with the term. So we talked about what it means to refer to women as goddesses. I am adding thoughts here that I did not elaborate on the radio.
A goddess is a spiritual being
The term goddess is used to recognize the spiritual nature of a woman. A woman has a spiritual body as well as a physical and mental body. Ancient wisdom tells us… God has made everything beautiful…He has set eternity in their hearts…yet they could not understand Him. Not a New Age concept at all. A woman’s spirit connects her to eternity. If a man pursues a woman, the discovery will lead him to the heart of God.
Spirit is the energy source of a woman’s beauty and allure. She is captivating to men. She is energy he needs; he could spend a lifetime getting to know her. She is always new to him, if he sees the adventure in knowing her. Every morning is a new day to discover more about the women in a man’s life.
In the movie “City of Angels” the human (Meg Ryan) offers the Angel (Nicholas Cage) a piece of fruit, a peach I think it was. What does it taste like he asks, and she offers him a bite. But he wants to know what it tastes like to her. That captures the intrigue a man could have with a woman – what does it taste like to you? What does it feel like to you? Look like to you? I want to know you, and your experience of life. This is good romance baby.
A goddess gives life
In every faith, culture, time and location in the world, women are referred to as “life-bearers.” Something men have yet to do. Not only do women give birth to a life that can exist outside their bodies, women are also connected to everything in their environment and give life by creating and revealing beauty wherever they are. They paint, clean, decorate, beautify, spruce, nest, nurture, re-arrange, and basically make wherever they are into a home. Most bachelors can live just fine with bare walls for months, bring a woman into the mix and within days she has art on the walls, color, plants and good smells in his place.
A goddess inspires both men and women
Women are created to be noticed. Women crave to be seen and enjoyed. Their presence disrupts the masculine egocentrism, and this is good. Even the most professional woman will not tolerate being ignored. Women interrupt the self-centerness of the masculine energy and remind men to celebrate life.
The feminine allure entices and inspires men to great heights of courage, bravery and self sacrifice. A woman, when she is a goddess becomes a muse, inspiring men to greater acts of creation than if left to his own inspiration.
No man is safe from the beauty inherent in the female. Every woman has the potential to be noticed by men in a very good way. By design, a woman is creative, generous, curvaceous, relational. Women are radiant, alluring, and sensual. They radiate life, and men are drawn to the life women offer them. A true goddess directs men to the source of life
Women can make the worst conditions tolerable because of their presence, and how they relate to the world around them. A goddess never hides beauty, hers or others. She encourages other women to shine brightly, making room for all women to share the attention. She lives to affirm that all women have the possibility of being creative, fascinating and captivating.
This blog is getting longer than I thought. Let me hold us here, and finish in my next blog. If the readers have any thoughts to add, send them to me, all responses are welcomed. You may have additional insight to tell me about, add personal stories about the incredible nature of women, and you may have a differing view you want to talk to me about. Writing to me gives me permission to print your story, and respond to you.
Sex awakens our spirit. I speak to you of a mystery being revealed: though it has been with you from the day of your birth, it existed before you were born. You can always understand more of it, but will never understand all of it. What is it? … your sexuality. This is not a mystery hidden from us, but graciously revealed to us. Sacred Sexuality is this mystery revealed to us.
Sexuality is the deepest reality about God and humans. Sex is incredibly important to God, and essential to us. Male & Female together reflect the nature of God. Sexuality reflects the core identity of God.
When sexual connection is broken it is the most painful experience in human existence. The pain of broken relationship is the core pain that drives the addictive appetite. Sex trafficking has surpassed Drug trafficking, social networking only surpassed sex searches in the internet this month. The porn industry took an 80% reduction because the internet is flooded with people putting personal sex videos on the internet for others to see. 85% of American women are dissatisfied with the romance they are receiving, and most men won’t take the time to learn how to be more intimate. There’s no question about it, sex is broken.
My work at the Aspen Center seeks to address the guilt and shame that surround sex for most people. We want to bring Heaven into the Earthly experience of sexual intimacy.
Sacred Sex is for romantics. Sacred Sex is about being fully alive, about saying “Yes” to everything God says about your life. We honor God in all that we do. We encourage men to bring their strength to their relationships, and women to bring out their inner beauty in the security of men who honor and protect them. We seek to restore Heavenly sexuality to those who have been abused, hurt, rejected, shamed and ignored. We seek to restore freedom and dignity to those who have been hurt. Ours is a safe, non-judgmental atmosphere of growth.