Sex questions might be best answered in person.
I watched a young couple on You Tube (Jennifer and Dan) answer relational questions. Don’t get me wrong, I am jealous that they are out there answering sex and relationship questions, and I’m also totally glad they are, but I had a snort of a time with their response to the question: How do I tell him I’m not sexually satisfied?
Mind you, I’m not making light of this couple, I respect them for getting out there. In the past, I’ve been too perfectionistic. Listen to their responses as representative of most couples and you’ll see what a plight America is in.
To the question of How do I tell my guy I’m not satisfied with our love-making?
A woman writes in to Dan and Jennifer: My boyfriend thinks women who are unsatisfied and then go outside the relationship are selfish.
Doooough! They ARE! Educate yourself and your partner or get out of the relationship before you stray. the Hosts eventually move in this direction.
At one point the host (Dan) says “cuz every man knows how to get a woman off.”
My response: “WHAT?” to the 10th power. Not every man knows how to treat a woman. That’s why men are using “roofies” to sedate women. That’s why men are blaming women and changing partners so often. All this would be different if more men would learn how to be with a woman.
Jennifer answers: Try new positions. Gently guide him to do something you like, and if he does something you like tell him. With men, you have to be very patient. Treat them like puppies. encourage everything they do right, and if they do something wrong… don’t tell ’em. Just tell them how they can do something better, suggest something else.
Me: Jennifer is saying something right, you have to massage a man’s ego, encourage him in what he is doing correctly, but it’s a sad statement about men that they can‘t take correction. But… treat them like “puppies?” -please.
If you tell him and he doesn’t care, you gotta ask yourself, if you’re with the right person. Cuz you shouldn’t be unhappy or be there out of guilt. If you’ve tried everything, at some point you may have to decide to go, but make sure you’ve tried everything first.
My comment: I agree. Don’t stay out of guilt or shame, try everything, and make the tough decision to go if he’s not responsive.
You can watch more of their relationship answers at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_JDAlt9UI8
From the Sex Stats file: one survey of women in Cosmopolitan magazine said that foreplay usually lasts 14 to 17 minutes for the average couple, and that the man typically reaches his orgasm after six minutes of, well, you know… being together.
I say, what???!
That’s outrageous. The couples I coach in the romantic arts are making love for 2, 4 & 6 hours. Average of 2 hours, and they love it. They love each other.
Sure, quickies are fun, they are like punctuation to a sentence. But, being able to be together longer is what makes quickies satisfying.
Be sure you heard what you think she said. Use the phrase: “I heard you say X, is that what you meant?” Use the phrase often. It helps clear up communication, shows her you’re paying attention, and keeps you out of trouble.
If you want to go further, where it’s appropriate ask here what her “inner woman” is saying.
Women have an outer and an inner woman. With their outer woman they say what they think they should say, they tell you what you want to hear. But, she also has an inner woman.
When you respect her inner woman, you’ll gain points, and save yourself some grief.
She is often not in contact with her own inner woman, and this causes her to feel unsafe. When you ask about the inner woman, at first she may not know who you are talking about, but when it becomes clear to her, she will love you all the more for it.
The New Infidelity
In today’s culture, infidelity does not have to be sexual. Examples surround us – work-a-holics, emotional & internet affairs, gambling, spending the family into bankruptcy are some forms of infidelity, alcoholism and drug abuse are still rampant in America.
Anything that commands more of your devotion and attention than your intimate other, anything that pulls precious resources away from the family can now be considered to be infidelity.
No one wakes up one morning and decides to have an affair. Rarely a sudden act of impulsivity, affairs usually begin as a slow compromise of values. Infidelity is usually a slow leak, rather than a sudden blow out.
When only 13% of affairs are by first-timers, it makes us aware that 87% of those having affairs will have more. Truly, hurt people, hurt people.
Infidelity plays for keeps.
A little infidelity is like being “sorta pregnant.” The fallout of infidelity is more severe – divorce, bankruptcy, custody battles, accusations, broken hearts, lost faith, suicide – infidelity plays for keeps.
Sure, some couples do survive infidelity, divorce is not a given. Those who don’t get professional help usually limp along half committed. Those who get professional help become grateful, and become good for each other. At the Aspen Center we have a constant stream of couples we have helped. Join the community of couples restoring romance, rekindling desire, rebuilding homes.
As the “dis-easing” of American women continues, the world health community offered funding for research on a female orgasm pill, they raised the flag, and the race was on. There’s big money to be made here. With the discovery of every disease, there is always a community of people ready to make some serious money. There will be pharmaceuticals dedicated to Female Orgasm, (as there should be), and there will be pharmaceuticals for the non-orgasmic (as there should be). (If a woman is slipped a “Micky” when she isn’t looking would it then be called a “Minnie?” – I’m just sayin’.) There will be books written, conferences given, professional talks given, and opinions debated. There is a film already made called “Orgasm” which will be coming to a theater near you. (Apologies offered for the cheap pun.) There will be therapies offered, support groups generated, and more self-help books written. The gurus of gyno’s will come forward and the world will be a happier place until the next disease is identified.
The men will certainly get behind this issue because, when their woman is happy… everybody’s happy. And this new issue let’s a lot of men off the hook. If the women take responsibility for all the bedroom problems, we men get to be the compassionate, sympathetic, supporters of our suffering women, when we caused a lot of this problem by not being willing to learn about our sexuality when we had the chance. After all, how many classes are there for men on how to be a lover with a slow hand? The national average time it takes a man to go from foreplay to conclusion is 20 minutes. So, how many classes are there for men on how to make love for 2, 4 and 6 hours at a time? It is certainly possible for couples to enjoy making love for an average of 2 hours a time. (Quickies are also welcomed and enjoyed.)
I certainly encourage women to take responsibility for their own bodies, and their own orgasms, (I was going to say there were no “butts” here, but this pun thing is getting out of my control.) I certainly encourage women to take responsibility for their own bodies, AND their own orgasms, period. AND… it is our masculine responsibility to treat women like the Goddesses they are in and out of the bedroom. It is our responsibility to continually be the best boyfriend, husband, lover and friend we can be.