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"Amazing how you taught these two old dogs techniques of romance after 32 years of marriage. "

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“How do I tell him, I’m not satisfied sexually?”

Mar 24, 2012
Satisfied (Jewel song)

Image via Wikipedia

Sex questions might be best answered in person.

I watched a young couple on You Tube (Jennifer and Dan) answer relational questions. Don’t get me wrong, I am jealous that they are out there answering sex and relationship questions, and I’m also totally glad they are, but I had a snort of a time with their response to the question: How do I tell him I’m not sexually satisfied?

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Mind you, I’m not making light of this couple, I respect them for getting out there. In the past, I’ve been too perfectionistic. Listen to their responses as representative of most couples and you’ll see what a plight America is in.

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To the question of  How do I tell my guy I’m not satisfied with our love-making?

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A woman writes in to Dan and Jennifer: My boyfriend thinks women who are unsatisfied and then go outside the relationship are selfish.

Doooough! They ARE!  Educate yourself and your partner or get out of the relationship before you stray. the Hosts eventually move in this direction.

At one point the host (Dan) says “cuz every man knows how to get a woman off.”

My response: “WHAT?” to the 10th power. Not every man knows how to treat a woman. That’s why men are using “roofies” to sedate women. That’s why men are blaming women and changing partners so often. All this would be different if more men would learn how to be with a woman.

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Jennifer answers: Try new positions. Gently guide him to do something you like, and if he does something you like tell him. With men, you have to be very patient. Treat them like puppies. encourage everything they do right, and if they do something wrong… don’t tell ’em. Just tell them how they can do something better, suggest something else.

Me: Jennifer is saying something right, you have to massage a man’s ego, encourage him in what he is doing correctly, but it’s a sad statement about men that they can‘t take correction. But… treat them like “puppies?”  -please.

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If you tell him and he doesn’t care, you gotta ask yourself, if you’re with the right person. Cuz you shouldn’t be unhappy or be there out of guilt. If you’ve tried everything, at some point you may have to decide to go, but make sure you’ve tried everything first.

My comment: I agree. Don’t stay out of guilt or shame, try everything, and make the tough decision to go if he’s not responsive.

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You can watch more of their relationship answers at:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_JDAlt9UI8

Sex Stats: 6 minutes…what?

Mar 21, 2012 Image via Wikipedia

From the Sex Stats file: one survey of women in Cosmopolitan magazine said that foreplay usually lasts 14 to 17 minutes for the average couple, and that the man typically reaches his orgasm after six minutes of, well, you know… being together.

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What???!

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I say, what???!

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That’s outrageous. The couples I coach in the romantic arts are making love for 2, 4 & 6 hours. Average of 2 hours, and they love it. They love each other.

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Sure, quickies are fun, they are like punctuation to a sentence. But, being able to be together longer is what makes quickies satisfying.

The New Infidelity

Mar 03, 2012
couple at nargile lounge

Image by j.o.h.n. walker via Flickr

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The New Infidelity

In today’s culture, infidelity does not have to be sexual. Examples surround us – work-a-holics, emotional & internet affairs, gambling, spending the family into bankruptcy are some forms of infidelity, alcoholism and drug abuse are still rampant in America.

Anything that commands more of your devotion and attention than your intimate other, anything that pulls precious resources away from the family can now be considered to be infidelity.

No one wakes up one morning and decides to have an affair. Rarely a sudden act of impulsivity, affairs usually begin as a slow compromise of values. Infidelity is usually a slow leak, rather than a sudden blow out.

When only 13% of affairs are by first-timers, it makes us aware that 87% of those having affairs will have more. Truly, hurt people, hurt people.

Infidelity plays for keeps.

A little infidelity is like being “sorta pregnant.” The fallout of infidelity is more severe – divorce, bankruptcy, custody battles, accusations, broken hearts, lost faith, suicide – infidelity plays for keeps.

Sure, some couples do survive infidelity, divorce is not a given. Those who don’t get professional help usually limp along half committed. Those who get professional help become grateful, and become good for each other. At the Aspen Center we have a constant stream of couples we have helped. Join the community of couples restoring romance, rekindling desire, rebuilding homes.

Angel in Love: Lessons on being the Romantic Man (part 4)

Feb 12, 2012
Cary Grant in The Philadelphia Story trailer

Image via Wikipedia

(part 4) Angel in Love: Cary Grant is an Angel who can teach us a lot about being a Romantic Man.

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Julia to Henry: You haven’t said a thing about it.

Henry: About what?

Julia: My new hat.

My disappointed observation: Henry, ooooh Henry, are you so focused on being threatened by Dudley that you still don’t notice the changes in your wife? In her heart she’s asking, Do you see my creativity, and if you do, does it move you? Will you join in the celebration of my creativity? Women love to create. Women are deeply romanced when their man notices the changes they make. When men don’t pay attention to the slice of heaven they’ve been given, chaos breaks out. A woman feels shame and loneliness when her man is inattentive to her. Gentlemen, do what you need to do to get over yourselves and pay attention to your woman.

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Dudley confronting Henry: …anything is possible if you are willing to compromise your principles.

Henry to the Professor: He has caused Julia to despise me.

Professor to Henry: Are you sure he has done that?

My keen observation: Henry has compromised his integrity to get where he is, and will have to keep compromising from now on. This is a spiritual principle: When you compromise to get what you want, you’ll have to keep compromising to hold onto it.  Dudley is calling him out – be honest with yourself he’s saying to Henry – to thine own self be true. Your wife will respect you more. The professor challenges Henry’s suspicious-ness, which could become a victim mentality if not checked. No Henry, you have driven Julia away from you, not Dudley. Thank God, Henry has a community of men who will speak the truth to him in his hour of need.

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The most romantic compliment a man can pay a woman:

Dudley to Julia: There are a few people who know the secret of making a heaven here on earth. You are one of those people.

My translation: “You, are a classy woman. You’ve found the inner resources to rise above your life situation. You’re not defined by your circumstances. You are defined internally, by an intimate relationship with God.”  This is the kind of character I look for in a woman. I lift it up for all men. Look for a woman who can bring Heaven down to Earth. If you’re already married, and she’s not there, be the man and lead the way. Do not demand that she go there first. You lead the way. Get some therapy, grow this kind of strength in yourself, and you will cultivate this in your woman. If you are single, or newly single:  Don’t settle for less than a woman that brings Heaven into this Earth.

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Henry: My prayer hasn’t been answered. I was praying for a Cathedral (substitute any business goal).

Dudley: No Henry, you were praying for guidance, and this you have received.

My comment: Ka-boom! Dudley nails it! When a man is focused only on the outcome, he loses perspective, and loses his life. What good will it do you to gain the entire Earth, and lose your woman? It is a spiritual principle: Pray for the revelation of wisdom, work hard, and let go of the outcome.

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Henry in his Christmas sermon: Let us ask what the Christ child would want and let’s all do our part to give it to him.

My commentary: Excellent! Now he gets it. Sadly, the memory of the Angel has been erased from each of their memories. Henry has received a revelation of wisdom, and it feels like a natural flow of life. Let’s listen to what God wants from us, and contribute our part of the gift. The character arch in this story has occurred, the inattentive man has become the man who values who he has in his life. Happiness has come to Henry’s family, the transformation of his character is complete. Thank God for Romantic Angels.

Angel in Love: Lessons on being the Romantic Man (part 3)

Feb 09, 2012
Cary Grant in The Philadelphia Story trailer

Image via Wikipedia

(part 3)  Angel in Love: Lessons on being the Romantic Man. Cary Grant is Dudley the Angel in the movie, The Bishop’s Wife.

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Dudley: (is on the floor playing with Debbie, the 8 year old girl. He tells her a story…)

My keen observation: Ladies, any man who can bond with a child is good marriage material. If he can bond with a child, he can bond with the child inside a woman. Notice he gets down on Debbie’s level, takes her correction and he knows how to tell a good story.

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Dudley: Angels come down and put ideas into people’s heads and then people feel very proud of themselves because they think it was all their idea.

My thought: I have come to believe what Dudley described is the primary way God speaks to humans. God is speaking to us all the time through intuition, pictures, visions, and revelation. If we tune into the flow of our intuition, we’ll enjoy an intimacy with the Divine we’ve never experienced before.

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Dudley: … you can tell the story from here, Henry.

Henry: Some other time.

My outraged reaction: Henry! You big duffer! You missed another golden opportunity. Dudley shows you honor by turning the story over to you, and you still have something more important to do than tell your child a story, win the admiration of your wife, and show Dudley you are big enough to cooperate with him instead of compete with him. Men who practice competition with other men only show how jealous and insecure they are.

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Julia: It somehow feels wrong to have so much fun.

My thought: Dudley has bought her the hat she’s been admiring, he’s taking her ice skating, they’ve had lunch at her favorite restaurant – this woman is being shown a good time. This is what her husband should be doing to win her heart every week of their marriage. She is safe with Dudley, so this is a good kind of risk for a woman to take with her man. These shared moments will be remembered for the rest of her life. She wants to have these memories with her husband.

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Sylvester (Taxi cab driver):  …people don’t know where they’re going and they want to get there too fast. Take you two for example, I’d call you unusual. First place, you know your destination but you’re in no hurry to get there. you want to enjoy some scenery en route, and you’re not reluctant to spend an extra four bits for a detour with Mother Nature.

Dudley: Thank you, you are perceptive.

My observation: You had me at: “I’d call you unusual”. Translation: You’re a romantic couple. Thank you – someone noticed. Do you and your woman have a shared destination? Are you taking time along the way, spending time and money to make some memories and take a few detours into the great outdoors?

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Dudley to Sylvester: Put on some skates and you’ll find out just how young you are.

Julia to Henry: He made me believe I could skate!

My comment: Dudley believes the best about people. He encourages them to take healthy risks. People feel young and alive with him. They reach for more than they would have if by themselves. Dudley is being good news to people.

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Dudley: Sylvester is a noble soul. His children and his children’s children will rise up and call him blessed.

My thought: Dudley shows he is a leader of men because he is not in competition with men. He has the inner security to show honor to another man in front of  Julia. He didn’t say this to impress her, he was thinking out loud and she overheard him. Again, his inner thoughts are not secret from her. He has nothing to be ashamed of.

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In part 4, Dudley is going to say, what I consider to be one of the most romantic things a man can tell a woman.

SOMETHING EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT SEX

Mar 25, 2011

 

aren't they cute?

aren’t they cute? (Photo credit: Napoléon et la bêtise)

I love to talk with people about sex. By sex, I mean real sex – intimate connections between lovers who share a deep, honest and close relationship. The times when two souls are reflected through their eyes, and their bodies touch with an excitement and arousal that is born anew every time. For the lover, every time they undress, it is as if it were the first time. They continually rediscover they are naked and not ashamed.

Sex is a heightened awareness of being alive, and of being together in this aliveness. This is why eros makes us feel so alive. It’s a language of be-ing together. Sexuality is an intimate language spoken between two adults. Lovers enter a mystery where conveying what they celebrate in the other will amplify their own pleasure. In desiring the other, their hunger intensifies the responsiveness of the other. Lovers feel a mysterious participation in something much larger than themselves. Most report an oceanic oneness when they are making love. Time is distorted, the world outside of themselves disappears. They are in a lover’s trance. An erotic altered state.

Lovers speak a language deeper than words. They communicate with sounds and movements and gazes far beyond what words and syntax could possibly convey. When sensual intimacy is uninhibited it becomes a bond which cements the lovers together against all odds. Love finds new ways to liberate the imprisoned heart. When sex is expressed with another, we often end up discovering our own hearts in ways we never knew were possible.

Which is why those who have hidden their hearts from love’s ultimate conversation have limited their capacity to communicate. Those who have separated their body from their soul, find their connections with others to be restricted and lacking in vitality.

Sex is not for the childish. This is why those who ignore the desires of their hearts can miss out on the life they were given. Every reader of this blog must understand, sex alone is not life, it only points to life. Everyone should know that sex can be an immensely spiritual encounter, leading us to see, hear and taste a life that extends far beyond the bedroom.

THE LADY IS A GODDESS – Part 2

Mar 07, 2011

“The Lady is a goddess”

Part 2

Review from part 1:

  • All women are potential goddesses
  • A goddess is a spiritual person
  • A goddess gives life
  • A goddess inspires

A goddess shows her appreciation

A woman who shows appreciation for the men in her life will never be at a lack for male attention. Allow me to illustrate…

In the classic Christmas movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life” George Bailey has just dished away his honeymoon money to save the town from falling under the miserly hands of the greedy bank owner. He’s done a good thing, but now he has nothing, no honeymoon, no money. He didn’t take his bride on a honeymoon, and doesn’t know how she’s reacting. Will she understand how he followed his heart, or will she be angry he messed up their special time together?

His friend, Ernie, the cab driver is instructed to pick him up at the end of the day and takes him to the old run down home, the newlyweds used to dream about owning when they were teenagers. It’s pouring rain, the rickety place is full of leaks, they have no electricity, it’s in awful shape.  His new bride, Mary, again shows the kind of character she is made of. She has transformed the living room into a couple’s hideaway. She has salvaged a bad situation.

Candles illumine the dingy dwelling. A chicken is roasting in the fireplace, the rotisserie turning by the spin of the record player. The music is romantic. The settings are meager. She is in the dress she would have worn on their honeymoon is a vision of beauty for George to lay eyes on. At his lowest moment, she shows she loves him and believes in him. His response? He kisses her with passion.

If he’s a good man, and I think he is, he will honor this woman all the days of his life.

A woman who shows appreciation for men in spite of all the dopey things we do, and because of all the cool stuff we do, is truly on her way to being a legendary goddess. She will have no end of men wanting to give her attention.

Most importantly, the definitive quality that separates mere mortals from divine goddesses…

A goddess is sensual

A goddess is a woman who is comfortable in her skin. She is a woman fully alive to her body. She takes responsibility for her own sexual pleasure.

A woman fully alive is a glorious creature, fully divine, and is fully aware of her sensuality.

By this I do not mean she is barely clothed, sexy and slinky like a plastic “Barbie” doll or Hollywood icon. What is meant is that she is inspires men, appreciates men, understands men. A sensual woman is aware of being a sensual woman. She has the power to move people to action. After all, men fought wars over women, wrote songs, painted paintings, won competitions for women. Women are incredibly powerful in society.

Every woman of any age, race, size or heritage can be this kind of sensual. Every woman has the potential for being a goddess. That so few women have taken the time to explore their divine femininity is why I raise our consciousness around women’s issues whenever I have a platform for doing so.

A goddess is a messenger

A classy woman knows there is a spiritual beauty much greater than she can possess. Yes, she draws her man to her, she inspires him, arouses him, but she knows she is only a beautiful reflection of the great and ultimate reality. There is One who is the creator of beauty. She connects her men to the spiritual source of all beauty.

The awareness of being a messenger of ultimate beauty gives her confidence as she ages. As a woman gets older she becomes more, and more beautiful to the men who value the beauty of a woman’s heart.

There’s so much more to say about being a goddess, if you want me to continue just let me know, I’d be happy to.

I would love to hear your experiences with goddesses. Please write and tell me about the women you know who qualify as goddesses and tell us how women have clearly missed their goddess calling. Writing to me gives me permission to print your story, and respond to you.

THE LADY IS A GODDESS – Part 1

Mar 05, 2011
Meg Ryan

Meg Ryan (Image via RottenTomatoes.com)

The Lady is a Goddess

Part 1

All women are potential goddesses

Women are the hot topic, they always are. I love talking to women and about women. I was interviewed by my friend, Gail for her radio program. We had a stimulating interview about honoring the women in our lives. The broadcast has been added to the website so you can hear the entire show. (Gail Bongalis at the Universal Hope Radio – www.sqr.fm)

Gail led the interview with an interesting question. Some people in the church have had a problem with the term goddess. How can we describe a woman as a goddess in ways that are comfortable to the people cautious with New Age terms. Crud (the nice version of “oh crap.”) I had gotten out of touch with that possibility. The circles I move in are so comfortable with the term, I had forgotten others were still uncomfortable with the term. I didn’t mean to become insensitive, I had simply become comfortable with my own use of the term. It was a good question on her part, and sensitive to those uncomfortable with the term. So we talked about what it means to refer to women as goddesses. I am adding thoughts here that I did not elaborate on the radio.

A goddess is a spiritual being

The term goddess is used to recognize the spiritual nature of a woman. A woman has a spiritual body as well as a physical and mental body. Ancient wisdom tells us… God has made everything beautiful…He has set eternity in their hearts…yet they could not understand Him. Not a New Age concept at all. A woman’s spirit connects her to eternity. If a man pursues a woman, the discovery will lead him to the heart of God.

Spirit is the energy source of a woman’s beauty and allure. She is captivating to men. She is energy he needs; he could spend a lifetime getting to know her. She is always new to him, if he sees the adventure in knowing her. Every morning is a new day to discover more about the women in a man’s life.

In the movie “City of Angels” the human (Meg Ryan) offers the Angel (Nicholas Cage) a piece of fruit, a peach I think it was. What does it taste like he asks, and she offers him a bite. But he wants to know what it tastes like to her. That captures the intrigue a man could have with a woman – what does it taste like to you? What does it feel like to you? Look like to you? I want to know you, and your experience of life. This is good romance baby.

A goddess gives life

In every faith, culture, time and location in the world, women are referred to as “life-bearers.” Something men have yet to do. Not only do women give birth to a life that can exist outside their bodies, women are also connected to everything in their environment and give life by creating and revealing beauty wherever they are. They paint, clean, decorate, beautify, spruce, nest, nurture, re-arrange, and basically make wherever they are into a home. Most bachelors can live just fine with bare walls for months, bring a woman into the mix and within days she has art on the walls, color, plants and good smells in his place.

A goddess inspires both men and women

Women are created to be noticed. Women crave to be seen and enjoyed. Their presence disrupts the masculine egocentrism, and this is good. Even the most professional woman will not tolerate being ignored. Women interrupt the self-centerness of the masculine energy and remind men to celebrate life.

The feminine allure entices and inspires men to great heights of courage, bravery and self sacrifice. A woman, when she is a goddess becomes a muse, inspiring men to greater acts of creation than if left to his own inspiration.

No man is safe from the beauty inherent in the female. Every woman has the potential to be noticed by men in a very good way. By design, a woman is creative, generous, curvaceous, relational. Women are radiant, alluring, and sensual. They radiate life, and men are drawn to the life women offer them. A true goddess directs men to the source of life

Women can make the worst conditions tolerable because of their presence, and how they relate to the world around them. A goddess never hides beauty, hers or others. She encourages other women to shine brightly, making room for all women to share the attention. She lives to affirm that all women have the possibility of being creative, fascinating and captivating.

This blog is getting longer than I thought. Let me hold us here, and finish in my next blog. If the readers have any thoughts to add, send them to me, all responses are welcomed. You may have additional insight to tell me about, add personal stories about the incredible nature of women, and you may have a differing view you want to talk to me about. Writing to me gives me permission to print your story, and respond to you.

Dr. Jones