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"Amazing how you taught these two old dogs techniques of romance after 32 years of marriage. "

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Unrequited Love: Giving the Gift No One Wants (Part 1 of 3)

Dec 09, 2012
P.S. I Love You (The Beatles song)

P.S. I Love You (The Beatles song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Beatles sang, “Love … Love … Love … All you need is Love…”

– then they broke up.  – The inimical, Ryan D. Jones

Ryan says a lot of stuff I don’t hear, a lot of stuff I wish I hadn’t heard. And he says a lot of crazy stuff I wish I could publish and make a mint off of. He often says some of the funniest, most profound things in life.   So I listen when he talks, because you never know…. even a blind squirrel finds a nut occasionally.

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Love is what it’s all about isn’t it? We are hardwired to love and belong. It’s the sign of being a complete human being.

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If you find my beloved, tell him I am faint with Love.  -Song of Solomon 5:8

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If we are hardwired to love and belong, then it is the most painful, and universal experience to be  in love with someone, when they don’t love you back in the same way. Unrequited Love is a love that is unreciprocated. Every adult has been on one side of this love at one time in their life. It’s part of being an adult. It increases your compassion for both the loved and the lover. It is an insanely painful, heart-breaking ride that can leave you pretty distracted at best, and in agony at worst. On a richter scale it is probably like having something the size of a dinosaur sit on your chest.

 

One co-ed said, “I had given him everything I had (not physically, but definitely emotionally). I was totally empty and heartbroken by his rejection, and this affected me for a long time afterward…. I have not given myself to any guy with that same intensity since.”

(continues…)

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Song of Songs: Romance and Intimacy

Nov 13, 2012
Dinner

Dinner (Photo credit: Paul Watson)

The woman speaks to the man she loves: Kiss me with the kisses of your mouth! Your love is better than wine.   Q: Is romance best left to the teenagers? What does the older generation have to teach the younger about romance? . Q: What was your best romantic moment? . Q: What keeps the romance alive?   Song of Songs 1:2  – When a woman says his kiss is better than wine, then… well, life really doesn’t get much better. Say it to your man, and he will feel like a million bucks.

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“How do I tell him, I’m not satisfied sexually?”

Mar 24, 2012
Satisfied (Jewel song)

Image via Wikipedia

Sex questions might be best answered in person.

I watched a young couple on You Tube (Jennifer and Dan) answer relational questions. Don’t get me wrong, I am jealous that they are out there answering sex and relationship questions, and I’m also totally glad they are, but I had a snort of a time with their response to the question: How do I tell him I’m not sexually satisfied?

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Mind you, I’m not making light of this couple, I respect them for getting out there. In the past, I’ve been too perfectionistic. Listen to their responses as representative of most couples and you’ll see what a plight America is in.

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To the question of  How do I tell my guy I’m not satisfied with our love-making?

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A woman writes in to Dan and Jennifer: My boyfriend thinks women who are unsatisfied and then go outside the relationship are selfish.

Doooough! They ARE!  Educate yourself and your partner or get out of the relationship before you stray. the Hosts eventually move in this direction.

At one point the host (Dan) says “cuz every man knows how to get a woman off.”

My response: “WHAT?” to the 10th power. Not every man knows how to treat a woman. That’s why men are using “roofies” to sedate women. That’s why men are blaming women and changing partners so often. All this would be different if more men would learn how to be with a woman.

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Jennifer answers: Try new positions. Gently guide him to do something you like, and if he does something you like tell him. With men, you have to be very patient. Treat them like puppies. encourage everything they do right, and if they do something wrong… don’t tell ’em. Just tell them how they can do something better, suggest something else.

Me: Jennifer is saying something right, you have to massage a man’s ego, encourage him in what he is doing correctly, but it’s a sad statement about men that they can‘t take correction. But… treat them like “puppies?”  -please.

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If you tell him and he doesn’t care, you gotta ask yourself, if you’re with the right person. Cuz you shouldn’t be unhappy or be there out of guilt. If you’ve tried everything, at some point you may have to decide to go, but make sure you’ve tried everything first.

My comment: I agree. Don’t stay out of guilt or shame, try everything, and make the tough decision to go if he’s not responsive.

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You can watch more of their relationship answers at:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_JDAlt9UI8

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Sex Stats: 6 minutes…what?

Mar 21, 2012 Image via Wikipedia

From the Sex Stats file: one survey of women in Cosmopolitan magazine said that foreplay usually lasts 14 to 17 minutes for the average couple, and that the man typically reaches his orgasm after six minutes of, well, you know… being together.

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What???!

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I say, what???!

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That’s outrageous. The couples I coach in the romantic arts are making love for 2, 4 & 6 hours. Average of 2 hours, and they love it. They love each other.

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Sure, quickies are fun, they are like punctuation to a sentence. But, being able to be together longer is what makes quickies satisfying.

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Romance 101: Clear Communication

Mar 18, 2012
Monkey and "Blonde" Woman

Image via Wikipedia

Be sure you heard what you think she said. Use the phrase: “I heard you say X, is that what you meant?” Use the phrase often. It helps clear up communication, shows her you’re paying attention, and keeps you out of trouble.

If you want to go further, where it’s appropriate ask here what her “inner woman” is saying.

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Women have an outer and an inner woman. With their outer woman they say what they think they should say, they tell you what you want to hear. But, she also has an inner woman.

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When you respect her inner woman, you’ll gain points, and save yourself some grief.

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She is often not in contact with her own inner woman, and this causes her to feel unsafe. When you ask about the inner woman, at first she may not know who you are talking about, but when it becomes clear to her, she will love you all the more for it.

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Female Sexual Dysfunction – part 2

Feb 18, 2012
Orgasm Inc. - The Strange Science of Female Pl...

Orgasm Inc. – The Strange Science of Female Pleasure (Photo credit: k-ideas)

As the “dis-easing” of American women continues, the world health community offered funding for research on a female orgasm pill, they raised the flag, and the race was on. There’s big money to be made here. With the discovery of every disease, there is always a community of people ready to make some serious money. There will be pharmaceuticals dedicated to Female Orgasm, (as there should be), and there will be pharmaceuticals for the non-orgasmic (as there should be). (If a woman is slipped a “Micky” when she isn’t looking would it then be called a “Minnie?” – I’m just sayin’.) There will be books written, conferences given, professional talks given, and opinions debated. There is a film already made called “Orgasm” which will be coming to a theater near you. (Apologies offered for the cheap pun.) There will be therapies offered, support groups generated, and more self-help books written. The gurus of gyno’s will come forward and the world will be a happier place until the next disease is identified.

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The men will certainly get behind this issue because, when their woman is happy… everybody’s happy. And this new issue let’s a lot of men off the hook. If the women take responsibility for all the bedroom problems, we men get to be the compassionate, sympathetic, supporters of our suffering women, when we caused a lot of this problem by not being willing to learn about our sexuality when we had the chance. After all, how many classes are there for men on how to be a lover with a slow hand? The national average time it takes a man to go from foreplay to conclusion is 20 minutes. So, how many classes are there for men on how to make love for 2, 4 and 6 hours at a time? It is certainly possible for couples to enjoy making love for an average of 2 hours a time. (Quickies are also welcomed and enjoyed.)

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I certainly encourage women to take responsibility for their own bodies, and their own orgasms, (I was going to say there were no “butts” here, but this pun thing is getting out of my control.) I certainly encourage women to take responsibility for their own bodies, AND their own orgasms, period. AND… it is our masculine responsibility to treat women like the Goddesses they are in and out of the bedroom. It is our responsibility to continually be the best boyfriend, husband, lover and friend we can be.

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SOMETHING EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT SEX

Mar 25, 2011

 

aren't they cute?

aren’t they cute? (Photo credit: Napoléon et la bêtise)

I love to talk with people about sex. By sex, I mean real sex – intimate connections between lovers who share a deep, honest and close relationship. The times when two souls are reflected through their eyes, and their bodies touch with an excitement and arousal that is born anew every time. For the lover, every time they undress, it is as if it were the first time. They continually rediscover they are naked and not ashamed.

Sex is a heightened awareness of being alive, and of being together in this aliveness. This is why eros makes us feel so alive. It’s a language of be-ing together. Sexuality is an intimate language spoken between two adults. Lovers enter a mystery where conveying what they celebrate in the other will amplify their own pleasure. In desiring the other, their hunger intensifies the responsiveness of the other. Lovers feel a mysterious participation in something much larger than themselves. Most report an oceanic oneness when they are making love. Time is distorted, the world outside of themselves disappears. They are in a lover’s trance. An erotic altered state.

Lovers speak a language deeper than words. They communicate with sounds and movements and gazes far beyond what words and syntax could possibly convey. When sensual intimacy is uninhibited it becomes a bond which cements the lovers together against all odds. Love finds new ways to liberate the imprisoned heart. When sex is expressed with another, we often end up discovering our own hearts in ways we never knew were possible.

Which is why those who have hidden their hearts from love’s ultimate conversation have limited their capacity to communicate. Those who have separated their body from their soul, find their connections with others to be restricted and lacking in vitality.

Sex is not for the childish. This is why those who ignore the desires of their hearts can miss out on the life they were given. Every reader of this blog must understand, sex alone is not life, it only points to life. Everyone should know that sex can be an immensely spiritual encounter, leading us to see, hear and taste a life that extends far beyond the bedroom.

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THE LADY IS A GODDESS – Part 2

Mar 07, 2011

“The Lady is a goddess”

Part 2

Review from part 1:

  • All women are potential goddesses
  • A goddess is a spiritual person
  • A goddess gives life
  • A goddess inspires

A goddess shows her appreciation

A woman who shows appreciation for the men in her life will never be at a lack for male attention. Allow me to illustrate…

In the classic Christmas movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life” George Bailey has just dished away his honeymoon money to save the town from falling under the miserly hands of the greedy bank owner. He’s done a good thing, but now he has nothing, no honeymoon, no money. He didn’t take his bride on a honeymoon, and doesn’t know how she’s reacting. Will she understand how he followed his heart, or will she be angry he messed up their special time together?

His friend, Ernie, the cab driver is instructed to pick him up at the end of the day and takes him to the old run down home, the newlyweds used to dream about owning when they were teenagers. It’s pouring rain, the rickety place is full of leaks, they have no electricity, it’s in awful shape.  His new bride, Mary, again shows the kind of character she is made of. She has transformed the living room into a couple’s hideaway. She has salvaged a bad situation.

Candles illumine the dingy dwelling. A chicken is roasting in the fireplace, the rotisserie turning by the spin of the record player. The music is romantic. The settings are meager. She is in the dress she would have worn on their honeymoon is a vision of beauty for George to lay eyes on. At his lowest moment, she shows she loves him and believes in him. His response? He kisses her with passion.

If he’s a good man, and I think he is, he will honor this woman all the days of his life.

A woman who shows appreciation for men in spite of all the dopey things we do, and because of all the cool stuff we do, is truly on her way to being a legendary goddess. She will have no end of men wanting to give her attention.

Most importantly, the definitive quality that separates mere mortals from divine goddesses…

A goddess is sensual

A goddess is a woman who is comfortable in her skin. She is a woman fully alive to her body. She takes responsibility for her own sexual pleasure.

A woman fully alive is a glorious creature, fully divine, and is fully aware of her sensuality.

By this I do not mean she is barely clothed, sexy and slinky like a plastic “Barbie” doll or Hollywood icon. What is meant is that she is inspires men, appreciates men, understands men. A sensual woman is aware of being a sensual woman. She has the power to move people to action. After all, men fought wars over women, wrote songs, painted paintings, won competitions for women. Women are incredibly powerful in society.

Every woman of any age, race, size or heritage can be this kind of sensual. Every woman has the potential for being a goddess. That so few women have taken the time to explore their divine femininity is why I raise our consciousness around women’s issues whenever I have a platform for doing so.

A goddess is a messenger

A classy woman knows there is a spiritual beauty much greater than she can possess. Yes, she draws her man to her, she inspires him, arouses him, but she knows she is only a beautiful reflection of the great and ultimate reality. There is One who is the creator of beauty. She connects her men to the spiritual source of all beauty.

The awareness of being a messenger of ultimate beauty gives her confidence as she ages. As a woman gets older she becomes more, and more beautiful to the men who value the beauty of a woman’s heart.

There’s so much more to say about being a goddess, if you want me to continue just let me know, I’d be happy to.

I would love to hear your experiences with goddesses. Please write and tell me about the women you know who qualify as goddesses and tell us how women have clearly missed their goddess calling. Writing to me gives me permission to print your story, and respond to you.

THE LADY IS A GODDESS – Part 1

Mar 05, 2011
Meg Ryan

Meg Ryan (Image via RottenTomatoes.com)

The Lady is a Goddess

Part 1

All women are potential goddesses

Women are the hot topic, they always are. I love talking to women and about women. I was interviewed by my friend, Gail for her radio program. We had a stimulating interview about honoring the women in our lives. The broadcast has been added to the website so you can hear the entire show. (Gail Bongalis at the Universal Hope Radio – www.sqr.fm)

Gail led the interview with an interesting question. Some people in the church have had a problem with the term goddess. How can we describe a woman as a goddess in ways that are comfortable to the people cautious with New Age terms. Crud (the nice version of “oh crap.”) I had gotten out of touch with that possibility. The circles I move in are so comfortable with the term, I had forgotten others were still uncomfortable with the term. I didn’t mean to become insensitive, I had simply become comfortable with my own use of the term. It was a good question on her part, and sensitive to those uncomfortable with the term. So we talked about what it means to refer to women as goddesses. I am adding thoughts here that I did not elaborate on the radio.

A goddess is a spiritual being

The term goddess is used to recognize the spiritual nature of a woman. A woman has a spiritual body as well as a physical and mental body. Ancient wisdom tells us… God has made everything beautiful…He has set eternity in their hearts…yet they could not understand Him. Not a New Age concept at all. A woman’s spirit connects her to eternity. If a man pursues a woman, the discovery will lead him to the heart of God.

Spirit is the energy source of a woman’s beauty and allure. She is captivating to men. She is energy he needs; he could spend a lifetime getting to know her. She is always new to him, if he sees the adventure in knowing her. Every morning is a new day to discover more about the women in a man’s life.

In the movie “City of Angels” the human (Meg Ryan) offers the Angel (Nicholas Cage) a piece of fruit, a peach I think it was. What does it taste like he asks, and she offers him a bite. But he wants to know what it tastes like to her. That captures the intrigue a man could have with a woman – what does it taste like to you? What does it feel like to you? Look like to you? I want to know you, and your experience of life. This is good romance baby.

A goddess gives life

In every faith, culture, time and location in the world, women are referred to as “life-bearers.” Something men have yet to do. Not only do women give birth to a life that can exist outside their bodies, women are also connected to everything in their environment and give life by creating and revealing beauty wherever they are. They paint, clean, decorate, beautify, spruce, nest, nurture, re-arrange, and basically make wherever they are into a home. Most bachelors can live just fine with bare walls for months, bring a woman into the mix and within days she has art on the walls, color, plants and good smells in his place.

A goddess inspires both men and women

Women are created to be noticed. Women crave to be seen and enjoyed. Their presence disrupts the masculine egocentrism, and this is good. Even the most professional woman will not tolerate being ignored. Women interrupt the self-centerness of the masculine energy and remind men to celebrate life.

The feminine allure entices and inspires men to great heights of courage, bravery and self sacrifice. A woman, when she is a goddess becomes a muse, inspiring men to greater acts of creation than if left to his own inspiration.

No man is safe from the beauty inherent in the female. Every woman has the potential to be noticed by men in a very good way. By design, a woman is creative, generous, curvaceous, relational. Women are radiant, alluring, and sensual. They radiate life, and men are drawn to the life women offer them. A true goddess directs men to the source of life

Women can make the worst conditions tolerable because of their presence, and how they relate to the world around them. A goddess never hides beauty, hers or others. She encourages other women to shine brightly, making room for all women to share the attention. She lives to affirm that all women have the possibility of being creative, fascinating and captivating.

This blog is getting longer than I thought. Let me hold us here, and finish in my next blog. If the readers have any thoughts to add, send them to me, all responses are welcomed. You may have additional insight to tell me about, add personal stories about the incredible nature of women, and you may have a differing view you want to talk to me about. Writing to me gives me permission to print your story, and respond to you.

Dr. Jones

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SACRED SEXUALITY

Jan 07, 2011

Sex awakens our spirit. I speak to you of a mystery being revealed: though it has been with you from the day of your birth, it existed before you were born. You can always understand more of it, but will never understand all of it. What is it? … your sexuality. This is not a mystery hidden from us, but graciously revealed to us. Sacred Sexuality is this mystery revealed to us.

Sexuality is the deepest reality about God and humans. Sex is incredibly important to God, and essential to us. Male & Female together reflect the nature of God. Sexuality reflects the core identity of God.

When sexual connection is broken it is the most painful experience in human existence. The pain of broken relationship is the core pain that drives the addictive appetite. Sex trafficking has surpassed Drug trafficking, social networking only surpassed sex searches in the internet this month. The porn industry took an 80% reduction because the internet is flooded with people putting personal sex videos on the internet for others to see. 85% of American women are dissatisfied with the romance they are receiving, and most men won’t take the time to learn how to be more intimate. There’s no question about it, sex is broken.

My work at the Aspen Center seeks to address the guilt and shame that surround sex for most people. We want to bring Heaven into the Earthly experience of sexual intimacy.

Sacred Sex is for romantics. Sacred Sex is about being fully alive, about saying “Yes” to everything God says about your life. We honor God in all that we do. We encourage men to bring their strength to their relationships, and women to bring out their inner beauty in the security of men who honor and protect them. We seek to restore Heavenly sexuality to those who have been abused, hurt, rejected, shamed and ignored. We seek to restore freedom and dignity to those who have been hurt. Ours is a safe, non-judgmental atmosphere of growth.

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