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"Jack and I dated for six years, and it wasn’t until our premarital counseling with you that we became intimately aware of each other. So now with eyes wide open, we will be married in two months."

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The Ultimate Guidebook to Avoiding Emotional Manipulators and Bullies

Nov 20, 2012

Dissent Without Permission: Will Protest Permi...

Dissent Without Permission: Will Protest Permits & Free Speech Zones Halt Or Hasten Rebellion? (Photo credit: watchingfrogsboil)

Be Aware of Traits That Permit Others to Manipulate You.

Be Aware of Manipulation in Relationships.
 
People often complain of being controlled or manipulated. However, what they do not realize is that it is some of their behavioral traits, which make them exposed to chronic manipulators. These traits are easily recognizable and can be dealt with to prevent people from taking advantage of you.
People who have been traumatised in childhood, who are sensitive to others moods, and those who have a world view that excludes guiltlessness in others are susceptible to manipulation. These are people who were bullied earlier in life and have learned to be hyper-aware of others needs. Manipulators find such people easy to influence and control. In Spiritual terms these are people who have allowed their soul (including their mind, and emotions) to have larger say-so in their decision making than their spirit. Manipulators will do such people small favors to engender a false sense of loyalty in the victim  in order to take advantage of this weakness.
Another sign that will attract manipulators is being a compassionate, caring, overly giving individual. These are people who are afraid of confrontations and will tolerate insults and emotional abuse in order to avoid a confrontation. The victim holds too tightly to the belief that the Manipulator is merely a hurting person in need of love and safety, forgetting that there are some in society who are not just hurt people, but guiltless people who don’t care who they hurt in the process. A chronic manipulator will take advantage of this by pretending to be upset or angry, which he knows will affect your sensitive nature.
Finally, when the victim carries a misunderstanding of their own identity, or a lack of  their own authority they exud a sense of being manipulatable. Most often the victim has a higher than average sense of responsibility for the well being of others. These are easily identifiable traits in any person. Chronic, malevolent manipulators will immediately use you to help boost their ego and also make you act according to their whims and fancies. It is obvious that a person with low self-confidence, a high view of personal responsibility, and a large compassion for others is easy to push around, and this is exactly what manipulators seek.
Manipulators use an up and down tactic to gain leverage in a victims life. Manipulators build the victim up, praise them, thank them, give little concessions to them and alternately tear them down, criticize them, belittle them. All of it is designed to break the victim down and make them feel responsible for the well-being of the Manipulator. The Manipulator is not looking to merely steal all they can, they are looking for someone to keep in their stable, someone they can live off of.
When the relationship finally explodes the Manipulator will be hurt, shocked and retaliatory. They will become very vengeful and strike out against the victim. Then, having done as much damage as they can, they move on and find another victim. These people are the parasites of society, never developing their own skills, talents and income, because they find it easier to live off of someone else’s efforts. There is not enough warning in society about these Manipulators because they are so difficult to spot up front. Only their victims can really tell you what it’s like to be devastated by a Manipulator, but often it’s after the devastation has occurred.
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The Essential Guidebook to Dealing with Emotional Manipulators and Bullies (part 3 of 3)

Nov 18, 2012
Chilton taunts Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs.

Chilton taunts Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In the movie “Toy Story” – the boy next door, Sid, destroyed insects, animals, toys, and was working himself up to more hideous crimes when last we leave him. Snidley Whiplash was never remorseful. The Silence of the Lambs shows a fiend (Hannibal Lecter) who was beyond rehabilitation. The Enemy, the Devil, Diablo, The Lord of the Flies is never satisfied with what he attains, never caring about anyone, laughs at their displeasure. No guilt, No satisfaction, No compassion. Watch for these signs in your Victimizer and you’ll know you’re dealing with a Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing, a Scorpion, a Snake.

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These people only go away with the use of money (enough money to buy them off), attorney’s (legal proceedings, restraining orders, lawsuits) and police (to escort them off the premises.)

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The victim goes through three predictable phases:  Disbelief (questioning and doubting yourself, thinking you’ve misunderstood, blaming yourself, or excusing the Vampire as in “They couldn’t have meant that. They didn’t mean what I think they just said.).  Defense – (you start defending yourself. You search for evidence to hold onto your sanity. You look for ways to help the Parasite. You search for evidence to prove your Wicked was wrong.)  and  Depression (you’re exhausted, overwhelmed and worn out. Without support from God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and other friends, you are likely to cave in on your own reality.)

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When the Bully breaks the victim mentally they have their living slave. It gets more and more difficult for the victim to leave. Authorities have typically mis-understood, even shamed these human sacrifices. What they don’t understand is how hard it is to extricate yourself from the clutches of an Emotional Abuser. In the movie “The Black Swan” – the victim comes to believe the only way to escape the clutches of the Victimizer, is to kill herself.

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This aspect alone makes the Emotional Bully more hideous than the common criminal. They are not satisfied in simply ripping someone off. In fact, they are not satisfied by anything except winning, or dominating another person mentally. They are the spider, their victim is the fly, and the spider won’t kill the fly. The prey is kept alive. That’s sub-human. This never occurs in the animal kingdom. The law of the jungle is you kill to survive. Nowhere will you see some animal keep another alive for the sole purpose of showing domination. That is why this subcategory of entity is less than human. They have no guilt, no compunction, no sense of remorse, because they have no compassion, no attachments, no satisfactions. They have no heart.

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So used by the Enemy to steal hopes, kill dreams, and destroy lives, these Parasites find it easier to strip others of their resources than to work at legitimate employment. They have no heart. They are not human. They do not care. They are never satisfied. They are the living dead. Attempts to rehabilitate these Scorpions are scoffed at. They are experts at beating the system. God will not have mercy on them for the innocence they have destroyed. There is no hope for those who intentionally harm the innocent. Their father is the father of lies. They have one end, and no one, no living person wants to go there. The fact that these Parasites do not care if they go to hell, tells you this much – they are already dead.

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The Essential Guidebook to Dealing with Emotional Manipulators and Bullies (part 2 of 3)

Nov 16, 2012
Bully aftermath

Bully aftermath (Photo credit: TheeErin)

The practice of breaking another human being down mentally is carried out covertly by Emotional Bullies. The Emotional Vampire wants to be seen as your good friend, until the victim tries to break away, think for themselves, choose to not be in the relationship, get free of the Bully, or assert their independence. Then the Emotional Vampire applies direct threats, intimidation, and blackmail. Have I mentioned they use intimidation a lot?

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They gain power covertly and avoid taking responsibility for his and/or her actions. They justify their own inappropriate, cruel, or abusive behavior, usually by blaming the other for making them use their wicked powers on the victim. It is a “You made me drink. … You made me hit you. … If you would have just been good, I wouldn’t have had to hurt you the ways I have.”

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They don’t want a real relationship, can’t handle a real friendship. It literally creeps them out to have a friend. It makes them feel weak to acknowledge they need a friend, or they feel gratitude for another person. They feel weakened by kindness, friendship, honesty and compassion so they crush these in others.

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The Emotional Bully will begin soft, and intensify until they get their way. This is a win for them, and winning means everything to them. They don’t know what it’s like to be satisfied, attached, honored in a life-giving relationship. These parasites take life. They are life-stealing entities. In my experience these thieves are guiltless, lacking in compassion, and have no experience at being comforted. In essence these soul-less creatures received nothing of what you get from being mothered. What they know of being cared for is impoverished, psychotic or sadistic.

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The book of Proverbs describes three types of people: The Wise – for these people when you shine the light of truth and grace on them, they welcome the light and adjust their behavior.  The Foolish – for these people, when the light of truth and grace is shined on them, they squirm and attempt to escape the light.  and  The Wicked – well, when the wicked ones have the light of truth and grace shined on them, they attempt to destroy the light and the one shining the light on them.

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You have some clue wether someone is Foolish or Wicked by the presence of satisfaction, guilt and compassion. Someone like Scrooge could show remorse. King David, when the light was shined on him repented, and made the situation right. The little tax collector, Zacchaeus, when he was invaded by love repaid people 4 x’s what he took from them.

(continued…)

 

 

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The Essential Guidebook to Recognizing and Surviving Emotional Manipulators and Bullies (part 1 of 3)

Nov 15, 2012
Narcissist-Self-Portrait-6

Narcissist-Self-Portrait-6 (Photo credit: Ben Saren)

I am always a supportive, compassionate, understanding man, I look for the good in people. But, I have recently discovered a breed on humans who prey on the emotionally unsuspecting, emotionally trusting. Call them insects, serpents, rodents, parasites or vampires, any or all of these labels will fit. Equally fitting labels include Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Borderline.  Whatever the label Emotional Bullies are the worst of the worst. Scum. Wicked. Evil. Thank God there is help for those victimized by these non-caring, less than human, entities that crawl into relationships occasionally.

It angers me when someone is kind enough to care for them and these soul-less entities bite the hand of the ones who try to care. More often than not it’s a man betraying the generosity of a woman. Without looking back his betrayal will leave her emotionally devastated, financially destroyed, and possibly homeless. I don’t have any compassion for the Sociopaths who can knowingly attempt to destroy another person’s life. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing.

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An emotional bully attempts to influence the mental functioning of a second individual by causing the targeted victim to doubt the validity of his or her judgements, perceptions and or reality. It is intended for the victim to be coerced into turning over their bank account, freewill and personal worth to the victimizer. Adding degradation to the crime, the Bully wants to make it seem like it was the victim’s desire to do so, or that the Bully was forced to degrade them as in, “…I drink because of you… You made me hit you…. I begged you to not let it get this far, but you wouldn’t listen so I had to hurt you….”

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The Emotional Leech attempts to control the feelings, thoughts, or activities of another, often by use of intimidation.

(continued…..)

 

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Freedom from Verbal Abuse

Mar 15, 2012
Cover of "The Verbally Abusive Relationsh...

Cover via Amazon

Freedom from Verbal Abuse

If I were King, I would make it a hate crime for verbal abuse to exist. It is wicked to break someone down mentally. Verbal abuse can be as destructive and harmful as physical abuse, the only difference being verbal abuse leaves no physical scars. On second thought, if we listen to ancient wisdom, words have the power to create life and death. Verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse.

Many relationships seem wonderful and perfect at the beginning but some relationships do turn into manipulative, humiliating and intimidating connections.
Let’s follow the progression from normal disagreement to abuse: In a normal relationship there are moments where one or both partners are uncomfortable. These are not necessarily bad. It could be a time of growth, something new to explore. But, if the discomfort is ignored, dismissed or shamed, the tension between the two progresses into veiled anger, sarcasm and verbal jabs. If this tension is ignored, and contempt settles in the relationship progresses to become verbally abusive.

There are usually some stages that a verbally abusive relationship manifests. In the beginning, your partner may become detached, preoccupied and a little too critical. For a while, they may even apologize. During this early stage, the abuser accuses the victim for his or her failures and also criticizes petty things about the victim. The abuser blames the partner for even provoking them so much they lose their composure. The conversations, if you can call them that, are loaded with sarcasm, put downs, and jokes at the partner’s expense. The abuser is being filled with unforgiveness, bitterness and rage. If contempt sets in, the relationship is usually lost.

This is when the abuse begins. Abuse is characterized by massive fights during which a lot of threats and hurtful words are said. It is at this stage that the abuse can sometimes even turn physical. Being an abusive person usually results from a dysfunctional childhood, where anger management obviously wasn’t on the agenda. Finally, once the abuse is done, the abuser gets apologetic and does everything in his or her power to set things right again, until the entire cycle begins all over again.

Breaking this cycle is the key to changing the nature of your relationship. This can be attained by increasing your awareness of signs of verbal abuse and being assertive and not allowing the abuser to manipulate and dominate you. Sometimes couples who cannot do these reparations by themselves seek external help from therapists, who can improve communication and understanding between partners.

If the contempt and disgust isn’t too far progressed, the relationship can be salvaged. If it has been unattended to for too long a time, it is usually too far gone. Get help before it is too late.

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