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"Raymond, your steadfast commitment to our healing can never be repaid. You are a man with God’s heart."

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The Essential Guidebook to Dealing with Emotional Manipulators and Bullies (part 2 of 3)

Nov 16, 2012
Bully aftermath

Bully aftermath (Photo credit: TheeErin)

The practice of breaking another human being down mentally is carried out covertly by Emotional Bullies. The Emotional Vampire wants to be seen as your good friend, until the victim tries to break away, think for themselves, choose to not be in the relationship, get free of the Bully, or assert their independence. Then the Emotional Vampire applies direct threats, intimidation, and blackmail. Have I mentioned they use intimidation a lot?

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They gain power covertly and avoid taking responsibility for his and/or her actions. They justify their own inappropriate, cruel, or abusive behavior, usually by blaming the other for making them use their wicked powers on the victim. It is a “You made me drink. … You made me hit you. … If you would have just been good, I wouldn’t have had to hurt you the ways I have.”

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They don’t want a real relationship, can’t handle a real friendship. It literally creeps them out to have a friend. It makes them feel weak to acknowledge they need a friend, or they feel gratitude for another person. They feel weakened by kindness, friendship, honesty and compassion so they crush these in others.

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The Emotional Bully will begin soft, and intensify until they get their way. This is a win for them, and winning means everything to them. They don’t know what it’s like to be satisfied, attached, honored in a life-giving relationship. These parasites take life. They are life-stealing entities. In my experience these thieves are guiltless, lacking in compassion, and have no experience at being comforted. In essence these soul-less creatures received nothing of what you get from being mothered. What they know of being cared for is impoverished, psychotic or sadistic.

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The book of Proverbs describes three types of people: The Wise – for these people when you shine the light of truth and grace on them, they welcome the light and adjust their behavior.  The Foolish – for these people, when the light of truth and grace is shined on them, they squirm and attempt to escape the light.  and  The Wicked – well, when the wicked ones have the light of truth and grace shined on them, they attempt to destroy the light and the one shining the light on them.

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You have some clue wether someone is Foolish or Wicked by the presence of satisfaction, guilt and compassion. Someone like Scrooge could show remorse. King David, when the light was shined on him repented, and made the situation right. The little tax collector, Zacchaeus, when he was invaded by love repaid people 4 x’s what he took from them.

(continued…)

 

 

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The Essential Guidebook to Recognizing and Surviving Emotional Manipulators and Bullies (part 1 of 3)

Nov 15, 2012
Narcissist-Self-Portrait-6

Narcissist-Self-Portrait-6 (Photo credit: Ben Saren)

I am always a supportive, compassionate, understanding man, I look for the good in people. But, I have recently discovered a breed on humans who prey on the emotionally unsuspecting, emotionally trusting. Call them insects, serpents, rodents, parasites or vampires, any or all of these labels will fit. Equally fitting labels include Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Borderline.  Whatever the label Emotional Bullies are the worst of the worst. Scum. Wicked. Evil. Thank God there is help for those victimized by these non-caring, less than human, entities that crawl into relationships occasionally.

It angers me when someone is kind enough to care for them and these soul-less entities bite the hand of the ones who try to care. More often than not it’s a man betraying the generosity of a woman. Without looking back his betrayal will leave her emotionally devastated, financially destroyed, and possibly homeless. I don’t have any compassion for the Sociopaths who can knowingly attempt to destroy another person’s life. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing.

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An emotional bully attempts to influence the mental functioning of a second individual by causing the targeted victim to doubt the validity of his or her judgements, perceptions and or reality. It is intended for the victim to be coerced into turning over their bank account, freewill and personal worth to the victimizer. Adding degradation to the crime, the Bully wants to make it seem like it was the victim’s desire to do so, or that the Bully was forced to degrade them as in, “…I drink because of you… You made me hit you…. I begged you to not let it get this far, but you wouldn’t listen so I had to hurt you….”

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The Emotional Leech attempts to control the feelings, thoughts, or activities of another, often by use of intimidation.

(continued…..)

 

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Song of Songs: Romance and Intimacy

Nov 13, 2012
Dinner

Dinner (Photo credit: Paul Watson)

The woman speaks to the man she loves: Kiss me with the kisses of your mouth! Your love is better than wine.   Q: Is romance best left to the teenagers? What does the older generation have to teach the younger about romance? . Q: What was your best romantic moment? . Q: What keeps the romance alive?   Song of Songs 1:2  – When a woman says his kiss is better than wine, then… well, life really doesn’t get much better. Say it to your man, and he will feel like a million bucks.

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What Dancing With The Stars Can Teach Us About Masculinity (part 3)

Nov 07, 2012
Woman at left is painter Suzanne ValadonHe sees her, or maybe she caught his eye. He’s attracted and moves to her, their hearts begin to pound. He probably has no idea what it is he’ll say next, he’s a man on a mission. “Would you like to dance?”  he asks, and thankfully she accepts. Game on.
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Gentlemen – from this moment on you are the lead, she is the follower. If you give her a good lead, she will feel safe with you. It is your job to keep her interested, so learn to get past the basics. Wether it is in conversation, dance or building a relationship, have a road map in mind as to where this might go. Are you a “player” or are you in it for love? Be honest with yourself, and clear with her. Your young relationship will progress along some pretty predictable lines. Contact me and I’ll help you navigate your way.
One of the first ways a woman knows she is safe with you is that you establish and maintain a strong frame. You connect with your partner in reliable ways. She knows where your arm is so she doesn’t lose her balance. She knows where your hands are so she doesn’t have to constantly fend off your octopus-like advances. Likewise, there are certain things a woman does that is rather cute to you, and then there are deal-breakers, and things this woman does that you won’t put up with. Be honest with yourself and her about what you will and will not put up with. Remember, no matter how gorgeous a woman is, there is some guy somewhere who won’t put up with her actions. Maintain a strong frame in dancing and in relationship and be consistent.
Do what you say you’ll do. This is one way she knows you hold a strong frame. Do what you say you’ll do. Be true to your word. She’ll respect you for it.
It’s your lead. Your dance partner will do what you tell her to do. Give her clear signals. When there is a mix up on the dance floor it’s usually because his signal wasn’t clear or strong enough. I have found it better to accept responsibility when there is confusion on the dance floor. If she didn’t execute the move, assume it was your fault. In doing this, you’ll spare her ego, and motivate yourself to be more clear and strong the next time.
Keep an eye on her. Know where she is. Don’t get so lost in your moves, or your anxiety, or your fatigue that you lose track of where she is or where her energy level is. Keeping an eye on the girl is a great way to stay connected with her throughout the dance, and into the relationship. Pay attention to her body signals and you’ll know when it’s time to leave the party while she still has energy. Paying attention to her body will speak volumes to you about how aroused she is for romance. A man will increase his chances of total success if he pays attention to her body signals, and takes the appropriate action to protect her energy.
Great lessons from the world of Ballroom Dance for the success of your relationship. If you have questions, leave a comment.
Ball gown and tailcoat are always worn when da...

Ball gown and tailcoat are always worn when dancing competitively. This couple are dancing an international standard tango. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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What Dancing With the Stars Can Teach Us About Masculinity (part 2)

Jul 15, 2012 Dancing with the Stars: We Dance! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Dancing has taught me some amazing lessons about relationships, I’ll share a few of these lessons with you here and in and future blogs.

Dancing begins with a good approach.

The invitation to dance is a man’s invitation for a woman to come out of the world of women and join him in a world of magic.

How many teenage boys pull up in front of their girlfriend’s home and honk? Does that still happen? Really? I know a guy who proposed to his wife by texting – “Wanna do it? Get married?”  – They laugh about it now (thank God she’s laughing) because that’s a pretty lame proposal, possibly the worst proposal I’ve heard about.

When a man approaches for a dance, he extends a hand, an invitation to join him. In the Tango however, it’s manhood on steroids. The man makes eye contact first, from across the room. He says with his eyes, “I want you. Yes, you. I want you to dance with me.” – then he approaches. His hand extended, expecting her to come out from the female pack and be with him. I mean really BE WITH him. The Tango is intensely romantic. The Tango Dancer is an Alpha Male, and she knows it. The Tango is a hot dance.

Many men are afraid to approach a woman they are attracted to. We call it “Approach Anxiety” – and it’s something I help men overcome if they are to realize their worth and value to women.

It’s about the dance, and the dance is about strength and beauty. Strength and Beauty contain the goodness of Love.

 

 

 

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What Dancing With The Stars Can Teach Us about Masculinity (part 1)

Apr 15, 2012
Ball gown and tailcoat are always worn when da...

Image via Wikipedia

Never give a sword to a man who cannot dance. – ancient proverb

I love this quote. Never give a sword to a man who cannot dance. Love it. When a man becomes a Warrior he is in submission to the realm. Meaning, he gives his all for the protection of the people he has left back at home. He is under submission to a King. He serves the King and the realm.

He is willing to shed blood to protect the realm: his blood or his enemy’s blood. He is willing to give his life to protect his loved ones, and equally willing to do anything he needs to do to stop an invader from having access to his woman.

A man is a protector. He defends those who cannot defend themselves.

But a man who is only a Warrior, who is not balanced by being a Lover, is a man who has become a mere killer. He has become a mercenary. He is willing to fight anybody for any cause, has no people to protect, serves no King. His warrior skills are for hire, he has no honor in who he kills. His warrior abilities are for hire. He has become a paid murderer.

I would believe only in a God that knows how to dance.  ~Friedrich Nietzsche
Never trust spiritual leader who cannot dance.  ~Mr. Miyagi, The Next Karate Kid, 1994

So, again I tell you – Never give a sword to a man who cannot dance.

It’s a metaphor for saying, unless a warrior is also a lover, do not trust him in battle.

My interest in dancing came before the end of a failed relationship. I secretly began taking dance lessons in an attempt to bolster my leadership in my failing relationship, and increasing the romance and connection between us. My attempts were a failure. I was trying to bolster a sagging relationship.

I stopped the lessons, and didn’t return to dancing for perhaps 10 years. My interest in dancing revived after I went through a season of warrior training, and really understood the heart and spirit of being a warrior.

There comes a time in every man’s life when the community of men speak into a man’s life, giving him what women could not give him. After a time of inviting men to speak truth into my life, my interest in dancing perked up, this time with a legitimate desire to be more of myself. I wasn’t using dance to impress a woman with something I was not. So, I began dancing, and never intend to stop.

More on the lessons learned from dancing in the next installment.

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What’s a Man’s Life Worth?

Mar 27, 2012

Cover of "Michael Clayton [Blu-ray]"

Cover of Michael Clayton [Blu-ray

Michael Clayton is a lawyer, and a legal janitor. He’s the “fixer” when something’s gone wrong, and he’s a father. What’s his value? What’s a man’s life worth? What gives meaning to a man’s life? In the gripping movie – Michael Clayton – actor George Clooney is the guy you call when things go wrong, and things have gone terribly wrong for his law firm. After 6 years the top litigator for a chemical company suddenly develops a conscience when he clearly sees the chemical company is wrong, and is destroying the lives of the people. He can’t go through with the legal defense. His law firm now wants him dead.  Is this what my life comes down to? A paycheck for defending a company that is killing people? He asks Clayton.

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God designed it that every man would find his work, but his work may not be his fulfillment. Every man must work in life, and every man must give his “gift” to the world. The gift is hidden in the unconscious and must be discovered. Every man must find and give his particular gift to the world. The ancient prophets said, Life is God’s gift to a man, what a man does with it is his gift back to God.

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Every man has a gift to give. Even if it takes a lifetime to discover what it is, it is totally fulfilling when he finds it and gives it to the world. “The world” may be just his son, or his family, but every man is valuable to God.

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Men are most fulfilled by committing their lives to something larger than themselves. All men are wanting to know what it is that’s worth living for. But only a few will find it. The majority of men will stop looking for their vision-quest, and numb the desire with alcohol, entertainment, control over others or boredom. The majority of men live and die with lives of quiet desperation.

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99% of the wives I’ve met has a desire for her husband to find his gift and give it to the world. These women want their man to be happy and fulfilled at what he does. The sense of meaning is crucial to a man. If you haven’t discovered your gift, continue to put yourself in positions where you have to give of yourself. Never settle for a shallow existence. God came to this earth so you would have life, and have it to it’s fullest extent. God has staked his reputation on the line when the ancient historian said,  God is fulfilled by the fullness of a man’s life.

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“How do I tell him, I’m not satisfied sexually?”

Mar 24, 2012
Satisfied (Jewel song)

Image via Wikipedia

Sex questions might be best answered in person.

I watched a young couple on You Tube (Jennifer and Dan) answer relational questions. Don’t get me wrong, I am jealous that they are out there answering sex and relationship questions, and I’m also totally glad they are, but I had a snort of a time with their response to the question: How do I tell him I’m not sexually satisfied?

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Mind you, I’m not making light of this couple, I respect them for getting out there. In the past, I’ve been too perfectionistic. Listen to their responses as representative of most couples and you’ll see what a plight America is in.

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To the question of  How do I tell my guy I’m not satisfied with our love-making?

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A woman writes in to Dan and Jennifer: My boyfriend thinks women who are unsatisfied and then go outside the relationship are selfish.

Doooough! They ARE!  Educate yourself and your partner or get out of the relationship before you stray. the Hosts eventually move in this direction.

At one point the host (Dan) says “cuz every man knows how to get a woman off.”

My response: “WHAT?” to the 10th power. Not every man knows how to treat a woman. That’s why men are using “roofies” to sedate women. That’s why men are blaming women and changing partners so often. All this would be different if more men would learn how to be with a woman.

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Jennifer answers: Try new positions. Gently guide him to do something you like, and if he does something you like tell him. With men, you have to be very patient. Treat them like puppies. encourage everything they do right, and if they do something wrong… don’t tell ’em. Just tell them how they can do something better, suggest something else.

Me: Jennifer is saying something right, you have to massage a man’s ego, encourage him in what he is doing correctly, but it’s a sad statement about men that they can‘t take correction. But… treat them like “puppies?”  -please.

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If you tell him and he doesn’t care, you gotta ask yourself, if you’re with the right person. Cuz you shouldn’t be unhappy or be there out of guilt. If you’ve tried everything, at some point you may have to decide to go, but make sure you’ve tried everything first.

My comment: I agree. Don’t stay out of guilt or shame, try everything, and make the tough decision to go if he’s not responsive.

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You can watch more of their relationship answers at:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_JDAlt9UI8

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Sex Stats: 6 minutes…what?

Mar 21, 2012 Image via Wikipedia

From the Sex Stats file: one survey of women in Cosmopolitan magazine said that foreplay usually lasts 14 to 17 minutes for the average couple, and that the man typically reaches his orgasm after six minutes of, well, you know… being together.

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What???!

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I say, what???!

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That’s outrageous. The couples I coach in the romantic arts are making love for 2, 4 & 6 hours. Average of 2 hours, and they love it. They love each other.

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Sure, quickies are fun, they are like punctuation to a sentence. But, being able to be together longer is what makes quickies satisfying.

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Romance 101: Clear Communication

Mar 18, 2012
Monkey and "Blonde" Woman

Image via Wikipedia

Be sure you heard what you think she said. Use the phrase: “I heard you say X, is that what you meant?” Use the phrase often. It helps clear up communication, shows her you’re paying attention, and keeps you out of trouble.

If you want to go further, where it’s appropriate ask here what her “inner woman” is saying.

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Women have an outer and an inner woman. With their outer woman they say what they think they should say, they tell you what you want to hear. But, she also has an inner woman.

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When you respect her inner woman, you’ll gain points, and save yourself some grief.

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She is often not in contact with her own inner woman, and this causes her to feel unsafe. When you ask about the inner woman, at first she may not know who you are talking about, but when it becomes clear to her, she will love you all the more for it.

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